From the Snack Aisle: Chester's Cheese Doritos

Product: Chester's Cheese Doritos
Company: Frito Lay (Pepsico)
Years: 1995

At some point in our lives we all need to make hard decisions. Go to college or travel the world. Buy a SUV or buy a minivan. Eat that meatball you found under the couch or not eat that meatball you found under the couch. We make them every day. But the good people at Frito Lay (and I am not saying that to get free samples, Frito Lay......though you do have beautiful eyes. You know that, right? (That is for the free samples)) took it upon themselves back in 1995 to say "Why Choose, bitches? You want Doritos, but at the same time, you also want some delicious cheesy Cheetos. You are high as a goddamn kite, and we're not one to judge you, so lets take the choice out of the equation....and make......CHEETO FLAVORED DORITOS! BOOM!"

Well, as great of an idea as it was, I have to say I certainly don't remember them. And I was in college at that time, so I was, well, lets just say I was their target demographic. (There's a time and a place for everything kids, and that time and place is called College). After scouring the interwebs trying to find a picture of the package, all I could find is this article about them testing this product. Most everyone who tried them loved them, though some said they were too cheesy. And then there is Bill (the single guy). His objection to this product? "Just who is this Chester Cheese guy? Is he really that famous? Why couldn't they just call these cheese flavored Doritos? And what does a cheetah have to do with cheese or tortilla chips?

Well Bill, the reason you are still single is because you ask too many questions.
And Chester Cheese Doritos, the reason you are still not available in stores is because people like to make hard decisions. You either want a Coke or you want a 7up, you don't want a Coke flavored 7up.
And the same goes with your chips.

Oh, and because they are (according to the taste test) way too cheesy, but in a good way?

I kind of wish these were still around, if for no other reason to see what other kinds of mutated Island of Doctor Moreau style chip inventions they would come up with. 
Funyun flavored Fritos?
Dorito flavored Pretzels?
The world will never know.

From the Cereal Aisle: Undercover Bears Oatmeal

Product: Undercover Bears Oatmeal
Company: General Mills
Years: 1990 - ???

I was never a big oatmeal eater growing up, which is probably why I missed this interesting product from the early 90's: Undercover Bears Oatmeal.

General Mills took the wholesome goodness of oatmeal and the teeth sticking stickiness of gummi bears, combined them, came up with a loveable animal character to be the pitchman, put them in stores, failed to connect on a large scale with kids, lowered prices not once, but 3 times, remained unsuccessful, fired the marketing execs that came up with the idea in the first place, then pulled Undercover Bears from the store shelves, and wept.

I never heard of them until someone posted about them over at Cerealbits.com (check out the site for your fill of retro cereal box goodness!). So I did a little digging, and still didn't come up with much. I was hoping to find a scan of the box, but only found commercial stills and pictures from newpaper ads instead.

Basically, they were gummy bears that were coated in some sort of maple/brown sugar coating and hidden in the oatmeal, so when you the hot water, they bears would magically appear in your bowl!
AMAZING!!!!!!*

*actually only amazing to people who are easily amazed, such as kids, and some dumb adults.

These quite possibly were only around for a year, maybe two,  from the little info I could find. So if you remember them, hats off to you my oatmeal loving friends.

Researching these lead me to a lot of gimicky oatmeals from the 80's and 90's I had forgotten about, so I jotted them all down and will be sure to cover more of them here in the future.

Pinky swear.

From the Snack Aisle: Buenos Tortilla Chips

Product: Buenos Tortilla Chips
Company: Nabisco
Years: 1981-1983

Wow, I actually remember these. Which is weird, because they didn't last very long. I don't remember the taste, I just remember the package.
Made from real stoneground corn, these chips came in 2 shapes, round and triangle. Seriously, it was the same freaking chips, just in 2 different shapes. So all the equipment that was used to make and package these chips had to be doubled, one set for the rounds, and one set for the triangles. Which is probably why they were discontinued. It was expensive to produce the same basic product in 2 shapes.
I'm guessing old people bought the round chips because they were safer....no sharp edges, very friendly looking. Almost like a smiley face, minus the face. The triangles were what the kids ate....3 sharp points, almost like a knife, not so safe for those kids who loved to live on the wild side and roll the dice while eating their chips. Will I stab my mouth or not? Who cares, I'm young! *Crunch*

If you hurry you can rush out and get yourself a bag with the attached coupon, assuming you have a time machine. Expires 9-30-83.

They came in traditional and Nacho cheese flavors only. Back in simpler times, when 2 or 3 flavors were perfectly ok. Not like now when to be a successful chip company you need to have at least 87 flavors.

Ah, the 80's. Simpler times.

From the Cereal Aisle: Insane Clown Pebbles

Product: Insane Clown Pebbles
Company: Post
Year: 2014

These would be bought by a million Juggalos worldwide.
Why?
Because they're high as a kite and have poor taste.

Happy April Fools Day, Everyone!