Attention Shoppers: We will be closed for the Holidays so our employees can spend time with their families. And Open Presents. And drink large amounts of Eggnog (and beer.....and Gin......and Rum......and wine.......).
Thanks for your Patronage in 2012, and we are looking forward to bringing you even more extinct favorites from your past in 2013!
Now I'm gonna go and hook up my betamax and enjoy the classic 1982 Menudo Holiday special.
Feliz navidad from Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries!!!!
WWF Superstars Cereal
Company: Ralston-Purina
Years: 1991-?
Photo by poptartsbox
Now entering the ring, from Ralston-Purina, weighing in at 14.25 oz....no, you aren't imagining things, it really did happen, the Cereal that turns heads and puts the "Stare" back into "Steroids" (yeah, yeah, I know.....), its WWF SUPERSTARS CEREAAAAAALLLLLL!
Back in the early 90's Ralston-Purina and WWF teamed up to bring the smack-down to your mouth with their new cereal, WWF Superstars. It was available in 4 certain to make your parents wonder what is wrong with you collectors boxes including The Ultimate Warrior, Hulk Hogan, and the Legion of Doom. The cereal itself was lightly sweetened star shapes that I swear was used in about 4 other cereals and just repurposed for this short lived money-making adventure. Children loved the WWF. Parents love their children. Children beg parents to get the cereal with the oiled up half naked men with face paint/bondage gear on the front. Parents think "Sure, why not?" Children spend hours on therapist couch some 20 years later trying to figure it all out.
Look, I'm not saying Superstars cereal or WWF is to blame for us 30+ year olds that have messed up lives. I watched WWF through most of the 80's, stopped for a while, then picked it up again from about 96-2001 (though I haven't watched it since). But I am saying that we can't talk about WWF Superstars cereal without doing a "Where are they now" on the cover models. Here's the cliffs notes version:
Hogan just had a sex tape leaked, Warrior changed his legal name to "Warrior" (just Warrior...like Sting, or Madanna) and is now a conservative speaker denouncing left wing politics ("Queering doesn't make the world work" is one of his gems), and if I'm not mistaken, one of the guys from Legion of Doom had a serious drug and alcohol problem and died at a young age of a heart attack.
Exactly the people I want my kids to be staring at every morning while they get their breakfast on.
But hey, I grew up watching them, and I turned out alright. Or at least that's what my therapist tells me.
Here's a fun game! What other WWF wrestlers who wrestled in the 80's/90's and went on to have tragic lives could have also been on the boxes of WWF Superstars? Benoit? Owen Hart? In an industry that turns out so many broken lives and shattered dreams, the possibilites must be endless! Post your ideas below! And if you're an angry WWF/WWE fan who thinks I shouldn't be making fun of them, your opinions matter to me! Please email me at WWFisAwesome1981@compuserve.com.
Pepsi Holiday Spice
Company: Pepsi Cola
Years: 2004/2006
*takes a sip*
"What was that........ugh.....WHAT.....WAS......THAT??!??!??! *spits angrily*
I said get me a Pepsi, Carl...........wait, what the hell is this? Pepsi Holiday Spice?? What in the name of all that is holy is this crap??? *takes another, smaller sip* *spits angrily again*
EWW -UCH! Carl, I understand that you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but when I want a Pepsi, get me a damn Pepsi, not this.....Holiday......what it is......Holday Spice shit. Limited edition....I should hope so, because people shouldn't be subjected to this poor excuse for a soda any longer then humanly possible. Ugh! The taste!! IT BURNS MY LIPS! IT BURNS MY LIPS!!!!
What is IN this???? *looks at ingredients*. CINNAMON??!??! WHY WOULD YOU PUT CINNAMON IN A PERFECTLY GOOD SODA??!!?!?!?! I MEAN, WHY NOT JUST COME OUT WITH PEPSI SUMMER BLEND, MADE WITH @$%&*&% SUNSCREEN? OR PEPSI SHINE, MADE WITH SHOE POLISH?????? MY GOD, CARL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME. THE TASTE WON'T LEAVE MY MOUTH.......ITS JUST SITTING IN THERE, REMINDING ME WHAT AN IDIOT I AM FOR TRUSTING YOU TO COMPLETE A SIMPLE TASK LIKE GET ME A REGULAR PEPSI *&$%@#* COLA FROM THE FRIDGE! WHY WOULD THEY EVEN MAKE THIS STUFF?!?!? WHY, GOD......WHY?!?!?! *beats head on wall*.
I think my first/last encounter with Pepsi Holiday Spice went something like that. I might be over exaggerating a bit. But probably not.
I actually know people who liked this stuff. Yeah, I know, right?
Sold for a limited time in 2004, then brought back for a short stint in 2006.
Kind of like when you do something really stupid, then a few years later you start thinking about it again and wonder "maybe it was just a fluke that it didn't work out the first time around, I should give it another shot!" And you do, and quickly realize that it wasn't a fluke, it was just a dumb idea in the first place.
That's Pepsi Spice in a nutshell.
A Chestnut shell. Ha!
Happy Holidays from Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries!
S'mores Crunch Cereal
Company: General Mills
Years: 1982-1988
Photo by Greg Koenig
Of all the cereals from my childhood, S'mores Crunch has to be in my top 5 cereals I'd bring back if I ever ran for President of the United States and won. Which in this day and age, with all the money floating around the elections, is pretty tough to do. I mean, sure, maybe if some of you chipped in and started a Super PAC for me and were able to donate a few million dollars each, then maybe. But as it sits right now, it's a long shot at best, so you can probably just count on S'mores Crunch remaining discontinued, and that's a damn shame. Because it was delicious.
Launched in 1982, S'mores Crunch was, to put it simply, Golden Grahams with marshmallows.
But when you cut down to the core of what made it great, it was more then that......it was truly special. It was grahams. It was chocolate. It was marshmallow. It was rainbows. It was unicorns. It was love.
It was all those things in a bowl (but mostly just the first 3).
You might remember the commercials for S'mores, which not unlike every kids cereal commercial made from the dawn of man, involved some kids trying to get some cereal. Then they run into a problem (someone steals their cereal / someone traps them in a cage and keeps them from getting their cereal / they get hit by a bus). Luckily, they have some help getting them to their beloved cereal. In this case, they are helped by The S'morecerer. He takes them out of the horrible situation they are in (trapped in a room with a Nickleback album playing over and over and over again) and drops them right smack dab in front of a big bowl of S'mores, and after finishing their cereal, one of the kids cleverly says "Can I have S'more?"
HAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaaaaaa...........you stupid kid, no you can't have any more, it's been discontinued.
In the late 80's Smores Crunch tried to rebrand itself as S'mores Grahams, and it lasted a few more years into the early 90's, but it was finally discontinued for good after the great marshmallow famine of 1992. Or it just wasn't selling as well as it had been. It was one of those two things I think.
Photo by Jason Liebig
In 2003, Kelloggs ripped off the idea and came out with a cereal called Smorz which was a @%*#*!$ travesty to all things holy. It wasn't the same at all. It was a cheap knockoff of a cheap knockoff of a once great cereal. So I just pretend it never happened. Kind of like The Hangover 2.
Finally, an observation: Is anyone else kind of creeped out by the cartoon marshmallow on the box? I mean, on the S'mores Crunch box, it looks like him, Chocolate and Graham Cracker are all buds, just hanging out, smiling......waiting for you to take them home and love them. But then, on the S'mores Grahams box, Marshmallow has decided to eat his friends, like some sort of Marshzombie.
Just an observation I had. Probably means nothing.
Or does it? (note to self - load guns for impending zombie marshmallow apocalypse.)
I'm going to break from my standard post format for this one, because it's not an item that you would have bought in a Grocery store, so it sort of disqualifies it from Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries, but it still falls in the "Foods of Days Past" and "Hey, I remember eating those" category. Not to mention it certainly falls into the "What the $#@%" and "You're gonna die if you eat that" category as well.
So Maybe you've already heard about this news story.
A man named Mort Bank from Bismarck N.D. was cleaning out his basement one day and came across an item from his days of owning/operating a McDonalds restaurant. The item? A gallon jug of McDonalds special McJordon BBQ Sauce, circa 1992.
You see, 20 years ago, McDonalds was selling (for a limited time only!) a burger called the "McJordon" in honor of Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordon. The burger was a quarter-pound hamburger with smoked bacon, cheese, McJordan barbecue sauce, onions, mustard and pickle, which I guess, were all of Michael Jordan's favorite ingredients on a burger. The "McJordon" was sold only in limited markets in the United States, but later that year was sold nationwide with it's name changed to the "Big 33".
So Mort did what he does with all his old McDonalds items he has lying around: He put it up on ebay.
Because hey, you never know. But Mort really did know one thing: There are idiots on ebay with a LOT of money just burning a hole in their pockets/purses/old timey sacks with "$" stamped on the front, and he found that person. The winning bid came from an undisclosed person from Chicago, and it was exactly what you would expect any rational human being to pay for a pretty plain looking bottle of expired 20 year old BBQ sauce celebrating a retired NBA star: $9,995.
I'm not kidding. Someone paid just shy of 10 grand for this now lethal burger topping.
Which leads me to believe one of 2 things: The buyer was either a HUGE Bulls/Jordon fan with way too much money, or it was someone who has figured out how to successfully time travel. They take the bottle in their DeLorean (or phonebooth if the buyer was either Bill or Ted) back to about 1991. They get in touch with the owner of McDonalds, and they tell that clown "Hey, we've got a great idea for a burger, and we've concocted this special BBQ sauce for it! Now give us 5 million dollars!"
Which forces me to ask the bigger question here: If you take expired food products back though time before the expiration date, do they become edible again?
Someone needs to do some research, and it may as well be me. Quick, find me a box of Fruit Brute and a Tardis......
Product: Summit Cookie Bars
Company: Mars
Years: 1977-1984
Image by Petes_Old_Food on Flickr
Remember Summit Bars? I mean, do you really REALLY remember them? Because I can't say I without a shadow of a doubt remember them, but when looking at the wrapper, it seems vaguely familiar to me. Like when you're out drinking with your friends, and you see a girl at the bar that you swear you know...you're not sure how or why, but you know her. Maybe she was in your 5th hour Algebra class in Highschool, or maybe you hooked up with her in college after a night of consuming too many Irish Car Bombs. You were never one to say no to free drinks, so when Tony "The Tank" kept buying round after round of shots for everyone, it was bound to take it's toll, and by god, it did.
Maybe you stumbled up to her and offered to buy her a drink, and she too, in her inebriated state, took the drink. You began to talk about whatever.....how cute she was....how awesome the Dave Matthews concert was that you were at.....that your dad works for NASA (he really doesn't)....and you hit it off. You stumble to a few more bars with her before eventually making it back to your place. You remember kissing her at the door and stumbling to your room, but then BOOM, lights out, power down...you passed out cold. When the sun came up, she was leaving. You barely mumbled "Hey, what's your name again?" before she bolted through the door, leaving you confused and a bit curious if anything happened at all. But the faint image of her has always stuck with you.
And now, as you are staring at this girl at the bar, some 15 years later, you are trying to pry that image from the mental files of your mind. Is it her? Isn't it her? God, I don't know.....what was her name? Lisa? Rhonda? Do I really remember her at all? Or do I just think I do?
Yeah, that's pretty much what the Summit Bar is to me. It looks familiar. But I don't know if I ever hooked up with it.
I meant ate it.
From what I've read (my memory isn't so great, remember?), the Summit bar was 2 waffers covered in peanuts, then drenched in chocolate. Doesn't sound like a candy bar I could pick out of a lineup or taste test. Guess that's why Mars discontinued it.
Who out there remembers these? Help me fill in the blanks, as in my brain, they are sketchy at best.
Sorry for the lack of posts lately - between work and me and my family moving into a new house, been pretty busy, so this is gonna be another quick one. Today I'd like to bring up Zany Zoo Drink Aid.
I gravitate towards packages for different reasons, and this product sticks out simply because the packaging is so unbelievably awesome. It's before my time, but I can picture this sitting on a shelf at the supermarket, me begging my mom to skip the Kool-Aid for once, and forget about the Funny Face Mix (don't worry, I'll get to it), but instead grab a few colorful packs of various fruity flavored animals.
Behold: Rhino Raspberry, Lion Lime, Turtle Tangerine, Cougar Punch, Ape Grape, Cheetah Cherry, and Ostrich Orange. These should be in my collection, but aren't. So they are moving to the top of my list.
Marketed as a "Caffeine Free alternative to Normal colas", Crystal Pepsi stormed the market in the early 90's with Mega-Rock Star status. It was hyped for weeks before it's release, with it's world premier commercials shown during Super Bowl XXVII (that's 27 for you non-Romans out there). Unfortunately, it turned out to be just another one hit wonder in the era of Fad Foods. It was the soda that everyone had to have........once.
I tried it, and though it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good enough to try again either. I sort of had one of those mind/mouth reflexes where your brain thinks it knows the taste before you taste it, then you taste it and your mouth says to your brain "How about that, bitch? Not what you thought it was going to taste like at all, is it?", which for me, usually sends my brain into shut-down mode so it can regroup itself from the mouths insults. I believe I was in a coma for 6 days after trying Crystal Pepsi.
I'm pretty sure that people who remember Crystal Pepsi had a similar experience (Only trying it once, that is, not the whole week long coma thing....), which is why sales for CP (Crystal Pepsi, not Cerebral palsy) were way up, for exactly one year. After everyone tried it and never bought it again, sales plunged and they pulled the plug. Crystal Pepsi was dead. They should have seen this coming....I mean, it seemed pretty "Clear" to me. HA! see what I did there?
2 Little known facts (ok, little known facts to me):
- After the success of Crystal Pepsi, Pepsico actually had Crystal Tab on the market for a short time. I don't remember seeing this at all.
- Pepsi returned several months later with a reformulated citrus drink titled "Crystal From Pepsi", which was even more short lived then Crystal Pepsi And the worst part of all was it forever chained everyones memory of Crystal Pepsi with this Van Halen song, which I'm pretty sure is the reason you never hear it anymore:
Product: Fruit Wrinkles
Company: Fruit Corners
Years: 1986 - ?
Raisins.
That's right.......raisins.
The original Fruit Wrinkles. I guess Nature forgot to get a patent.
In 1986, Fruit Corners wanted to expanded it's Fruit Roll-up line of kid's snacks and try out some new stuff. In my head, I picture a team of people in lab coats testing such items as "Fruit by the Mile" (the grandfather of todays "Fruit by the Foot"), or "Fruit Injections!", which would be small syringes filled with liquid fruit, which you shoot into your veins. Then, while eating lunch one day, Barry (the most useless of all the lab technicians) reached into his lunchbox for some fruit and pulled out, you guessed it, a banana. He peeled it and slowly started to eat it, and just then, for whatever reason, he started thinking about that old California Raisins cartoon that used to be on. You know, the one that was done in claymation? That's the one. Maybe he had heard Marvin Gaye earlier in the day, and that's what made him think about it. He wasn't sure. But thinking about that cartoon made him wonder how they could base an entire kids show on a piece of wrinkled fruit. "Wrinkled Fruit?" Barry thought to himself. "I've got it!" he shouted, and ran back to the lab. And you know what? For once, everyone listened to Barry. Todd stopped compiling data and listened. Mary put down the test tubes and took in every word Barry had to say. He had done it....he had finally earned his spot on the team. They respected him as an equal.
As a big "Thank You" for coming up with such a brilliant idea (which he stole from nature), Fruit Corners gave Barry the parking spot closest to the door for a week, and a 1.5% increase in pay, which after taxes didn't really amount to much. Which is probably why his girlfriend broke up with him and he turned into a raging alcoholic.
That's what I imagine in my head, anyway. I tend to be wrong from time to time.
Fruit Wrinkles were small, wrinkled pieces of fruit (Cherry, Lemon, Orange, and Strawberry) that came in small packets. You'd tear off the end and pour the wrinkled contents into your hand, then enjoy the juicy, wrinkled goodness.
Like many of my childhood favorites, I remember these fondly and could swear they had been around longer then they actually were. But we had some good times together.
I could eat a box of raisins, or handful of fruit snacks, but it's just not the same.
I wish nature could help us out on this one and bring them back, but I know it can't.
We need to find Barry. He holds the key.
If he hasn't offed himself already. (he was pretty depressed after that break-up, guys).
We've all been to the grocery store and witnessed what has become a tidal wave of product knock-offs.
In the soda Aisle, you can get a case of Mountain Fury or Dr. Thunder. In the cereal aisle, there is a knock-off brand of virtually every major cereal out there. From Cookies to Laundry Detergent, you can find hundreds of off brands that are very similar to the major brand they are reproducing.
So when you hear that there was once a candy called "Dweebs" that came in a multi-compartment box with multiple flavors, I'm sure you'd think it's obviously a knock-off of Nerds candy.
Problem is that this knock-off was actually made by the same company that made Nerds (Willy Wonka).
Ok, so maybe it's a stretch to call it a knock-off. A brand extension maybe? A reboot?
Dweebs were produced by Wonka in the early 90's, and they were sort of like Nerds, with some minor changes. Dweebs were much softer then Nerds, and had a smoother, more round shape.
Wonka also copied the Nerds box, but took it up a notch. Instead of having 2 flavors per box, they had.......are you ready for this......THREE FLAVORS! Did I just blow your mind? No? Maybe justs a little bit? Still no, huh? I should have lied and said four flavors. I'm pretty sure THAT would have blown your mind. No?
Each Dweebs box came in flavors like Strawberry, Punch, Cherry, and Orange. But sadly, they lived a short life in the shadows of their cousin, the Nerds. (that's what it actually said on the box, "Cousins of Nerds". I know what you're thinking, how did the Dweebs and Nerds get girlfriends? Obviously they have a family tree, so they must have reproduced at some point...right?)
One day Dweebs went away. For good. Probably back to living in their moms basements, playing World of Warcraft and writing Star Trek fan fiction. Or is that what the Nerds are supposed to do? Like the candies, I get them mixed up.
Product: Body Buddies Cereal
Company: General Mills
Years: 1983-?
I realize that in the Cereal business, it's hard to come up with an original concept. It's all been done before a zillion times, and with every truly new cereal that hits the market, there will be people saying it's just like Cereal X, Y or Z. Enter "Body Buddies".
It's just Kix, right? I mean, look at it........Exact same f'ing cereal. Come on, General Mills. Lets see a little effort once in a while.
Body Buddies was promoted as a "healthy" cereal for kids, packed with 16 vitamins and minerals that your kids will surely love, if they in fact tried this cereal, which they won't, because it's just Kix, which they already hate.
The kids/mascots on the boxes were known as the Body Buddies or some shit. They did fun, healthy activities, like kicking a soccer ball, wearing a cowboy hat, or riding in a poorly constructed soapbox car with pink wheels that just screamed "Look at me, I'm Fabulous!"
Body Buddies came in 2 flavors, Fruit Flavor and a Honey Flavor (Kix? Seriously...). They weren't around for very long, which was good for kids, because they could once again concentrate all their hate back onto the Kix their parents kept buying. Would it hurt you to get a box of Count Chocula every once in a while, mom? Jeesh.
But the thing I hate most about Body Buddies cereal is that every time I say or hear the name "Body Buddies" I picture the opening to the also short lived but hit TV show "Bosom Buddies" staring Tom Hanks and that other guy. And then the theme song gets stuck in my head.
Do we miss Body Buddies Cereal? Not nearly as much as we miss the tv show Bosom Buddies. And nowhere near as much as we hate Kix.
Every once in a while I remember a product that I swear has been gone from the shelves for years, only to do a little research and find that it does still exist. And I can't bring myself to add it to the self of extinct groceries, even if the only place they still make it is in a remote village in Uganda. Its still out there. So here are a few products that you might think are gone, but aren't.
Slice Soda: I guess this is still carried by Walmart, even though I have never noticed it. But it's not the Lemon Lime soda we remember in the green can, it's fruit flavored (Orange, Grape, Strawberry and Peach). Also, Slice is sold in India, but it's Mango flavored and it's promoted by a Bollywood actress, Katrina Kaif.
Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific!: Nothing screams 70's like a bottle of this strangely named Shampoo. I thought it was gone back in the 70's.......looks like you can still get it at The Vermont Country Store.
Stock up today before Disco makes it's triumphant return.
Kool-Aid Sharkleberry Fin: OK, I'm not even sure where this is still made, but I guess it is. Or at least it was as of recent and you can still find it online. The flavor has been tweaked, but it lives on in name.
Surge: Ok, this one is pretty much dead, but I found it interesting that "Urge", the Norwegian Soda that "Surge" was based on for the rest of the world, is still being produced in Norway. I know, it's a stretch, since the name "Surge" with their iconic cans is no longer around. But look at "Urge"....it's pretty much the same thing, even in label design.
That's all for today, just a short list of some stuff that you guys can pick up for me next time you are traveling the globe and happen to be in Oslo or Bollywood.
Quick, name the first 3 things that come to your mind when I say the word "MAGIC".
"White Tigers": OK, not really Magic, but I guess I'll give you...
"Doug Henning's Fantastic Magical Hair": Hmm....I guess it's magic related, but his hair? Really? That's what you remember the most....
"Jell-o 1-2-3": Ha ha ha.....I'm glad you're having fun dicking me around, jerk.
But guess what? The Jokes on you. Because I was going to talk about Jell-o 1-2-3 anyway. Hey wait, where are you going?
Jell-o 1-2-3 was one of many Jell-o products to be released in the 70's, and it actually was quite successful for Kraft. It came in 3 flavors that I know of: Orange, Strawberry and Mixed Berry. The whole idea was that you could make this awesome 3 layered Jell-o that would knock the socks off your easily impressed dinner guests.
Especially Cindy. That girl was dense.
The 3 layers set in different colors and different textures, one like Jell-o, one like a pudding, and one a soft foam/mousse like texture. I sort of remember eating this in the 80's, but I always just thought my mom was very talented at making jell-o. Now looking back, I guess without that skill she was a disappointment after all. (I kid, mom, I kid. I'm sure there was something else you were good at. When I think of it, I'll let you know.)
I'm not sure why this product was discontinued in the late 90's after such a long, successful run. But if I had to guess, it was probably because they were developing Jell-o 1-2-3-4, which they were over confident and cocky about. They were sure it was going to be the next big thing. But guess what? Riots broke out. Stores were looted. Fires were set. The world wasn't ready for a 4 layered desert.
Or maybe that never happened. The 90's were sort of a blur to me.
Anyway, there are petitions online for Kraft to bring this back, and there are recipes online showing you how you can make your own Jell-o 1-2-3.
But it's just not the same.
We miss you, Jell-o 1-2-3.
And we miss you too, Doug Henning.
Product: GORP
Company: David & Sons / Nabisco
Years: Early 70's-early 80's (?)
Just a quick post today. I wanted to make sure I added this unique treat to the shelves before I forgot. I have never heard of this product before until I read about it on the super awesome blog by Jason Liebig called "Collecting Candy".
You should check it out. Go now! (Or hang out here for a bit. But then check it out immediately after.)
Image by Jason Liebig/Collecting Candy.com
Anyway, here it is, Gorp. By Nabisco or David & Sons, depending on what year you are talking about, and who you ask, but since nobody seems to remember this, there aren't many people to ask. Except for Jason Liebig. And he's already told me everything he knows I think. (haven't you checked out his blog yet?)
Since starting this blog, I am finding out that there are literally thousands of products that I have never even heard of before, many of them even having been available in my lifetime.
The latest product in the "how did I miss this?" category I stumbled upon by accident while sorting through my collection of vintage VHS tapes of old TV shows with original commercials. During an airing of "She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown" from February 1981, I found a commercial for a cereal called "Raisins Rice & Rye". I made a bewildered face to myself, then hopped onto the computer to find, well, not much.
But I did find the commercial on Youtube:
The only other info I could find was from the great folks over at Mr. Breakfast.
This is taken from a magazine ad for the cereal:
People of Raisin Persuasion! Introducing Kellogg's Raisin Rice & Rye
People of raisin persuasion, we've got a whole new raisin cereal for you. Kellogg's Raisin Rice & Rye cereal. First, we blended the delicious taste of crunchy rice together with the satisfying taste of hearty rye into one incredibly flavorful flake. Then we added raisins! Raisins, raisins, raisins. People of raisin persuasion, awake and reach for your spoons. Make Kellogg's Raisin Rice & Rye a part of your nutritious breakfast. What a combination! For people of raisin persuasion.
And that, my friends, sounds racist to me.
So is that why it is simply a footnote in the long history of Kelloggs cereal? Or is it that you throw up in your mouth a little bit when I say "delicious Rye cereal"?
Or maybe it's both.
Either way, it wasn't around very long, so I will proudly add this to the cereal aisle here at Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries.
This is kind of awkward for me to even be bringing up, but it's just that....how do I put this nicely.....all these Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries you've been eating have done a number on your breath.
I mean, you've been eating Bakewiches, you've been eating Libbyland Dinners.......and every time you breathe on me a little part of me dies. Mostly my nose part.
So I went and got you something.
Yep. I got you a tube of Vote Toothpaste. This isn't some weak kids toothpaste either....it's the adult toothpaste that comes in the new plastic tube. Yes, you heard me correctly. Those old Metal tubes are a thing of the past with Vote. This is 1968, embrace the future already.
I know what you're thinking: Why "Vote"? Well, because it's your civic duty as an American Citizen.
Aw, I'm just messin' with you.
And I'm dodging the question, because why it's called VOTE is a mystery to me too. We could ask around and see if anyone has the inside scoop. Yeah, I think we should do that.
But for now, I just want you to do one thing. Brush those nasty looking teeth.
It's your civic duty as an American Citizen (and your civic duty as someone sitting so close to me).
People realized a long time ago that milk, in it's natural, white, flavorless state is boring. So boring, in fact, that people came up with ways to turn that boring glass of milk into a tasty exciting explosion of flavor. Quite simple, actually: Add sugar. Thus was born our flavored drink mixes which you would spoon or squeeze into the glass of milk and then stir with a spoon to mix (remember Milk Mate?).
Then one day a man (or woman) realized that the 5 components to a tasty glass of flavored milk are: Milk (duh), the flavoring, a cup, a spoon to mix it, and a straw to drink it. They thought long and hard about it and came to the conclusion that only 4 items are really needed: the milk, flavoring, cup and straw. Because really, mixing the flavoring into the milk with a spoon was SO 1930's............why not let the milk get it's flavor....are you ready for this............directly from the straw. BOOM.
The idea has been around since the 50's with such products as Flav R Straws and Dip n' Sip, and then in the early 70's Kraft said "We want money" and rolled out their own line, called Pinch N' Sip. They came in Chocolate and Strawberry flavors and stuck around for a few years before being beaten back by members of the Nesquik Flavor Union Local 322 and the National Federation for Spoon Mixed Milk Flavorings (NFSMMF), which I completely just made up. Don't believe everything you read on the internet kids! That Bieber kid? Not Real!
But seriously, the Kraft Pinch N' Sip straws were real. Over the years, there have been dozens of similar products that tried to fill that niche market for the spoonless. In fact, I just saw some the other day when I was shopping. I could have bought some for my kids, but we already have Hershey's Syrup in the fridge and a drawer full of spoons at home.
Wow, I'm a mean dad.
And unlike the Kraft Pinch N' Sip, I'm going to be around for a while, so they're just gonna have to deal with it.
Anyone remember drinking these back in the 70's? Anyone?
Look, I realized early it was Star Wars day today. The "May the 4th be with you...." texts, tweets and Facebook posts kept rolling in early and often. So I felt it my duty to pay it forward, just like Haley Joel Osment, only I'm an adult and nowhere near as rich as that kid is. You know, the Sixth Sense kid. Yeah, that's the one.
But you know what I have that he doesn't?
I have the lasting memories of waking up early on Saturday mornings with a huge bowl of C-3POs cereal. ("And I'll take that over a Lamborghini any day" I say as I start to sob......)
C3POs came out of the all out media/branding assault that was the Star Wars franchise in the early 80's. Kelloggs climbed on board and produced this product, which by all accounts, was actually a pretty tame and boring cereal considering how big the movies were. No sprinkles.....no marshmallows....The cereal pieces were shaped like little golden number 8's.
"Why?" you ask?
It says on the side of the box that "The unique double-O shape gives you 2 crunches in every bite - a unique experience in all the galaxy."
OK, stop there. I'm calling bullshit. 2 crunches in every bite? What if I bite down across both O's at the same time? I mean, how do they know that it's going to go "Crunch/Crunch" and not just "Crunch"? Was there a study group? Did they do months of research? Was Lucas watching me through my kitchen window?
C3PO's came and went in a short period of time, but most people remember them because they remember the Star Wars Trilogy from their youth, and this was just another fraction of it that takes them back to those fond memories they made in the early 80's.
I'm not going to lie, I recently purchased a box off ebay for my collection.
Hey, it's a cool looking box, even if the product inside turned out to not be the droids, er, cereal, I was looking for.
Product: Screaming Yellow Zonkers
Company: Lincoln Foods
Years: 1969-2007
Sometimes in life, you are aware of certain things without ever getting to experience them.
I am aware of White Castle hamburgers, but there aren't any remotely near where I live, so I've never had them.
I am aware of perms, but unless I lose a bet or get paid a LOT of money, I'll never have one.
And I was aware of Screaming Yellow Zonkers when they were around, but for whatever reason always passed. And now, it's too late. (for the Screaming Yellow Zonkers, not the perm, but I'm still gonna pass on that one).
Screaming Yellow Zonkers was a popcorn snack produced by Lincoln Foods in the 60's-2000's. It had a very sweet, sugary glaze over them. No Peanuts. No prize at the bottom. Just a sweet, sweet popcorn snack.
Doesn't sound so interesting, does it?
Well, the real draw of the Screaming Yellow Zonkers was not what was inside, but what was on the outside: one of the most brilliant packages ever. The box was a striking black box (claimed to be one of the first black packages on the market) with all kinds of cool, goofy illustrations and text around the box, including tips on "How to Wash your Zonkers", or "How to Mate Your Zonkers". On the bottom of the box, a quick guide was printed explaining how to determine if it were indeed the bottom: “Open the top, and turn the box upside down. If the Zonkers fall out, this is the bottom. If they fall up, this is the top. If nothing happens, this box is empty.”
The box was brilliantly created by Hurvis, Binzer and Churchill, a young start up ad agency out of Chicago. Artists such as Charlie White and Seymour Chwast illustrated the boxes with imaginative drawings that just scream all kinds of awesomeness.
Box Photo by Jason Liebig
And what makes the boxes even cooler is that they would frequently come out with new boxes full of other goofy stuff. Brilliant, just brilliant. Had I been paying attention, the collector/hoarder in me would have been thrilled.
Unfortunately, in 2007, Lincoln Foods was bought out by Conagra, and the Screaming Yellow Zonkers were discontinued, leaving me, like a fool, wishing I had picked up a box or 10 or 100 while I had the chance.
Instead, I'm left alone to eat my Poppycock and Cracker Jacks. Peanuts and all.
Product: Bakewiches
Company: Veeco International
Years: 1974-?
Quick post today, partly because I'm pretty busy these days, partly because the product I picked is from the black hole of food products that nobody on the planet seems to remember. The product is called Bakewiches, and from my estimation, they are the grandfather of the Hot Pocket (if Hot Pockets had grandparents, which they don't).
Bakewiches came from a company called Veeco International out of Wichita, which Trademarked the name back in 1974 (this TM has expired, so if you are looking for a hip name for your friends new indie band, look no further.) The frozen sandwiches came in 3 flavors, Homestyle (not exactly sure what flavor that is supposed to be), Bar-B-Que and Chili (you know, for all those fans of chili sandwiches back in the 70's.)
And that is about all I know. You put them in your oven, and before long you are eating a delicious Chili or Bar-B-Que stuffed bread pocket. And really, what more do you need to know. Exactly.
I'm going to bet nobody remembers these at all. I don't. Nobody I know remembers them. If it wasn't for the above Newspaper clipping and a Trademark, I'd almost say someone made them up. Probably the same guy who claims "Homestyle" is a flavor.
Product: Hamdingers
Company: Patrick Cudahy
Years: 1976-?
What would you say if I told you that there was once a time when you could actually have a choice when purchasing fake processed meat in a can? I know, "Who cares" was my response too. But then I realized that the magical treat I am going to tell you about comes from my home state of Wisconsin, and I felt it my duty to represent. I am sick of people always saying that the only things to come out of Wisconsin are brats, cheeseheads, and beer. It's time that they add another thing to that list: Hamdingers.
Hamdingers were a short lived meat product produced by the Patrick Cudahy Company out of Cudahy, WI in the mid 70's (they trademarked the name "Hamdinger" in 1976, and that Trademark has expired and is available if you feel the need to own it). The product was sliced ham patties, about the size of a hamburger patty, and it came in a round can. Like Spam, it became a great meat to fry up with some eggs for breafast, but the great thing about Hamdingers is that it came in individually sliced portions, so you could grab a patty and fry it up for that perfect Hamdinger sandwich.
Hamdingers became a recurring joke used on the TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000, where the product often would be brought up by the cast. In one episode, they found an escape pod in a large box of Hamdingers. The reason nobody ever found it before was that nobody had any desire to open the box.
Hamdingers were so short lived, they have sort of become lore, in that there isn't a ton of information about them, but people definitely do remember eating them in the late 70's. I'm not sure if it was a regional thing that pretty much kept to the central states or if it could be found in other parts of the country.
Do you remember eating Hamdingers? If so, please let us know what you thought and what memories you had of them!
The world needs more meat in a can. Patrick Cudahy, the time is now.
Product: French Frauds
Company: Pillsbury
Years: 1968-?
Image by Gregg Koenig
Here's an interesting one that I can't find much info on. In the late 60's, Pillsbury made a snack called French Frauds, a baked snack made to look like french fries and onion rings. I don't imagine they were around long, as there doesn't seem to be much of a record of them, other then a few packages that have survived and a few ads in newspapers introducing them. There were 2 varieties: French Fries and Onion Rings.
As the package says, "Give French Frauds as Tips to Doormen, waiters, and hatcheck girls. They'll really appreciate getting something besides money for a change and they'll always remember what a sport you are."
Also, "What can you do with French Frauds - Hold a contest to see who can make the most noise while eating French Frauds. Award 10 points for crunches, 5 points for munches, and disqualify anyone who rustles the package."
And my personal favorite, "Serve Beef Stroganoff and tossed salad for appetizers, then serve French Frauds and water as the main course. Conversation is sure to be lively at dinner with this idea."
I think I'm starting to see why French Frauds failed to catch on.
Because people who ate them were assholes. Give them as a tip? Serve them to your guests as a meal? What kind of a cruel bastard would do this stuff?
But they did have one thing going for them: Some pretty cool artwork. Here are a couple unused designs from the Onion Ringers package:
If there is one thing we've learned in life, it's that sometimes things that are beautiful on the outside can be ugly on the inside. Libbyland Dinners were just this: A work of art on a cardboard and tinfoil canvas. It's just too bad that the food (and I use the term food loosely) on the inside was, well, not tasty or healthy or anything we require from food in this day and age. But, in it's defense, it was marketed to kids, and kids will eat a bowl of dirt if they think there is a prize at the bottom. This is what made these meals legendary to kids of the 70's: They were awesome for all the wrong reasons. You bought them for the fun, not the food.
Photo by Grickily
Libby the Kid was Libbyland's mascot, and he didn't just bring kids processed microwave meals. Oh no. He brought them adventure. You could choose from Safari Supper, Sea Divers Dinner, Pirate Picnic, or Sundown Supper. Each box had fun and games on it, and it popped up into a cool scene you could look at as you tried to choke down the little hot dogs, or tater tots, or fish sticks, or chicken patties, or blazing hot pudding, or grape infused applesauce, or any of the other items not fit for consumption by anyone over the age of 11.
The trays were also pretty freaking cool too - embossed with little images of different Libbyland characters.
Hey, there should be some sort of reward for cleaning your plate, er, tray.
image by emeraldtoys
Libbyland newspaper Ad 1971
They had a good run in the early 70's, but the world just wasn't ready to say "Food be damned! Give me an awesome package to look at, and a tray that makes me smile! And molten hot pudding! Rich, chocolate, fire pudding! AHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahah!" 5 years and they were gone.
Products: Video Game Cereals (Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., Pac-Man, Nintendo Cereal
Companies: Ralston & General Mills
Years: Pac-Man (1983), Donkey Kong (1982), Donkey Kong Jr. (1983), Nintendo (1988)
When I think of the 80's, 3 things really stand out in my head. The Video Game crazy, Saturday Mornings with my favorite box of cereal, and that time in 3rd grade that Brett Peterson game me an atomic wedgie after lunch because I wouldn't give him my pudding cup.
2 of those things gave me enjoyment that I look back upon with much happiness. (the other one I'm still trying to forget. 3rd graders can be so mean.) Cereal and Video games go hand in hand, so much so that in the 80's they crossed over from your Atari/NES systems right into your cereal bowl.
Donkey Kong Cereal (1982)
Image by Jason Liebig
The first of the big Video Game cereals, Donkey Kong first took over the video game world (overtaking the sales of Pac-Man in 1981), then made it's way into the cereal aisle in 82. Was sold with the tag ling "Crunchy Barrels of Fun", but should have just been sold as "Captain Crunch Knockoff", because that is basically what it was.
Pac-Man Cereal (1983)
Image by Gregg Koenig
Not to be outdone, General Mills came out with Pac-Man Cereal in 1983. Branded as "crunchy sweetened corn cereal with marshmallow bits", the marshmallows were shaped like Pac-Man, and the ghost: Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde. Mrs. Pac-Man Marshmallows were later added. The cereal itseld would be like if you took an extra sweetened Kix and threw in Lucky Charms Marshmallows for good measures. Sounds like a lot of sugar. I guess kids wanted to be just like Pac-Man: void of teeth.
Donkey Kong Jr., Cereal (1983)
Image by Bolia88
Ralston couldn't stand seeing Pac-Man cereal cutting into their profits from Donkey Kong Cereal, so naturally, they followed up just as they had with the video games, and introduced Donkey Kong Jr., Cereal. "DKJC", as it was often called by nobody, was a fruit flavored cereal with little banana and berry shaped pieces. It was a fun and overly sweet cereal, as were many of the best cereals in the 80's.
Nintendo Cereal (1988)
Image by Jason Liebig
In the mid to late 80's, the Nintendo Entertainment System became the gaming console of the world, leaving Atari in it's dust. So it was only natural that they capture some of that crazy in the form of cereal.
Much like Nerds Cereal, the box was split into 2 sections. On one side, you has Super Mario Brothers Cereal (Fruit-flavored Marios, Mushrooms and Goomas). On the other, Zelda Adventure Cereal (Berry-flavored Links, Hearts and Shields.) "Nintendo Cereal System. If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em. "
*takes a sip*
So when you hear that there was once a candy called "Dweebs" that came in a multi-compartment box with multiple flavors, I'm sure you'd think it's obviously a knock-off of Nerds candy.
Enter "Body Buddies".
