From the Frozen Foods Dept.: Micro Magic Milkshakes

Product: Micro Magic Milkshakes
Company: Simplot (J.R. Simplot Co.)
Years: 1989-?

Image by Jason Liebig

I don't even want to write about Micro Magic Milkshakes. It's so stupid. Really. I mean, if you put any ice cream in the microwave for 45 seconds, it becomes the consistency of a shake.......doesn't it?

The J.R. Simplot company has taken us for fools, people.....FOOLS!

This microwave shake came in three, possibly four flavors: Everyone knows about the Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry, but according to the newspaper article below, there was also an Orange version. I don't remember the orange ones, and I've never seen a package from one, so not sure if they were regional or what the deal is. The point is, I can't believe I'm still talking about a cup of $1.39 ice cream that was melted in the microwave and presented as a milkshake.

These were part of Micro Magic's "Hey America: You got a new microwave! Let's all get fat!" campaign from the late 80's that included not only the milk shakes, but microwave french fries and microwave cheeseburgers.

"Let's nuke these bitches and eat!!!!" *tears open packages*

I would normally say that this was just a "Fad" food of the 80's, but microwave burgers and fries are still around today. In fact, Kroger sells a microwave milkshake still to this day. Yup.

Does anyone buy them? If I had to guess, I'd say that I don't really care and I STILL can't believe I'm talking about melted ice cream. I could be reading a book, or building a tree house with my kids....

If J.R. Simplot was selling dehydrated water I bet people would buy it.

But I will say this, I think everyone remembers these on the shelves of their frozen food aisles in the late 80's/early 90's, and perhaps, if not for any reason other then curiosity, bought some.
I can still remember my mom coming home with them one day and pulling them from the paper Piggly Wiggly bag like she just pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and as we all stood around the microwave watching the dimly lit carousel spinning round and round inside, as if some actual magic was taking place inside, and I realized, at that moment, that my mom had indeed wasted $1.39.

I sure hope she used a coupon.

From the Snack Aisle: Koo Koos, Razzys, and Googles

Products: Koo Koos, Razzys, and Googles
Company: Dolly Madison
Years: 70's

I love the Peanuts Gang. I also love junk food. When you put the 2 things together, you get 8 year old me quickly handing over his hard earned allowance money to buy Zingers and fruit pies with Snoopy, Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, Linus, and the rest of the gang adorning the packages. (you also get fat, but that's a tale for another time).

Starting in the 60's and working through the 70's and 80's, Charles and Dolly have been working together to promote their cartoons and snacks to kids. Everyone loved Charlie Brown. Everyone loved cream filled snack cakes. It was a win/win for both of them (and a win/win for this fat kid too).

But the snacks I'd like to focus on today are the cupcakes: Koo Koos, Razzys, and Googles.

I am not sure the exact timeline for these snack cakes, as I've heard anywhere from early to mid 70's, but like 95% of all the great food items, they seem to have been discontinued right around the time of my birth. And before you go blaming me, my therapist keeps telling me, "It's not my fault", and I tend to agree with her.

Koo Koos were essentially Ding Dongs, or King Dongs, or Big Wheels (if you will). Chocolate covered chocolate cakes with a cream filling. Charlie Brown graced the package. Yum.

Razzys were a Yellow cake version of the Koo Koos, covered in a raspberry flavored coating. Lucy was on the front of this package (and it looks like she's bitching about something ......again).

Googles were.........well.........I have no idea. I can't find a single thing about them when I searched Google (yes, I Googled Googles). Did these actually exist in the wild? Were they cut from production lines before they made it to store shelves? Supposedly they were a yellow cake in a white frosting, the albino brother of the Koo Koo. I can't explain why the frosting looks like camouflage. Could you only eat Googles while hiding in the woods? Is this why I've never seen one? Anyone? And what IS the true meaning of Christmas? Linus?

If anyone out there knows anything about Googles, please let me know. I'd also like to hear your memories of these or any other delicious Dolly Madison snack cakes. This is the kid of stuff I miss from my youth. And if Doc Brown ever comes back with that time machine, I promise you that I will go back to the early 70's, fill a bathtub with Koo Koos and Razzys (and possibly Googles), and lounge in it.

Eating.
Possibly crying.
But ultimately, smiling.

From the Canned Goods Aisle: Sir Chomps A Lot Cheese Ravioli

Product: Sir Chomps A Lot Mini Cheese Ravioli
Company: Chef Boyardee (American Home Foods)
Years: 1991-?

Here's a fun one that I don't remember (look, I was in Highschool in the early 90's....I was a bit too cool to be eating pasta from a can, alright? I was cool, right? Anyone? Mom?). It's called Sir Chomps A Lot, and it was a mini ravioli in a can made by Chef Boyardee. Nothing about this product stands out from the millions of other pasta based meals Chef Boyardee has ever or will ever put on the shelves. Everything, except for this:

Image by Gregg Koenig

Yep, a presumably British Alligator by the name of Sir Chomps A Lot. Which seems like an odd choice of a mascot to me. I mean, look at him. He looks rather unexcited about the whole thing. "Mini Ravioli? Eh.....Seems a bit boring for a sophisticated reptile as myself....I fancy myself as more of a Fettuccine with Fresh Mushrooms, Tarragon and a mild Goad Cheese Sauce kind of person, er, Reptile."  - Say that in your best British Accent. Preferably outloud. Make your co-workers and/or family members wonder what's wrong with you, or give them another thing to add to the list.

So is he a Crocodile or an Alligator anyway? Can you tell? I sure can't.

On the back of the can, it says (which sounds nothing like something a British person, er, reptile would say. Even adding an accent to it still sounds wrong:

"Hello, I'm Sir Chomps-A-Lot and I've lost control for these little Bite Size ravioli from Chef Boyardee. They're so delicious you'll want to romp, and stomp and do a dance called "The Chomp".

Wait, what? We're introducing a new dance now too? You expect me to believe this butler looking person, er, reptile actually dances??? Is the Chomp even a real dance? Anyone? Wikipedia? Mom?

Well now, would you look at this...HE DOES DANCE!:

Still, seems like an odd mascot to me. You know the marketing group came up with the name first, which forced it to be a British person, er, crocodile/Alligator, and from there the whole concept just fell apart quickly.

There were also other Sir Chomps A Lot products like Spaghetti and meatballs, but you get the idea.

Fun for kids on the early 90's, but completely invisible to me, a cool high school kid listening to my grunge music and smoking my Camel Lights.

Still, as one of the many Chef Boyardee offerings to come our way in the last 40 years, it has to be noted in the pages of products that are no more, so we will give it it's place here at Gone but Not Forgotten Groceries.

From the Cereal Aisle: Bran News

Product: Bran News Cereal
Company: Ralston
Years: 1988 - ?

 Just a quick post today, and it's only because I'm always amazed when I run across cereals I've never heard of before that were from my lifetime, as I think I was rather observant when it came to the cereal aisle on a Tuesday night while shopping with mom back in the 80's. But really, when I look at this product, it's easy to figure out why it never got my attention.

Bran.

Bran is not fun. Nobody likes bran. The only people who eat bran are only eating it because they have to for a medical reason, and if they tell you otherwise, they are damn dirty liars. Kids especially don't like bran. I mean, just the sound of it...........bran. BRaaaaaaaan. BrAaAaAaAn.

No thanks mom. I'll just starve instead.

But wait, there's a touch of cinnamon!!! Doesn't matter, if you put a bow tie on a turd, it's still a turd.
They also tried an apple cinnamon version. What did they expect to happen when you have BRAN in your name.

I'm guessing that if you are under the age of 40, you also don't remember Bran News.
What a stupid name. It sounds like you should be eating a bowl of shredded newspaper.
The only person who probably would remember this is my grandma, because she used to eat a lot of bran (as old people often will), but I can't ask her, because she's not alive anymore. And I imagine all the bran had something to do with it. No proof, just a hunch.

Seriously, if I can get 5 people to respond that they actually remember this cereal, I'll eat a giant bowl of bran myself.

Guess I'll be safe.

From the Cereal Aisle: Rice Cream Flakes

Product: Rice Cream Flakes
Company: Nabisco
Years: 1968-????




This has to be hands down one of the more interesting ideas I've ever seen for a breakfast Cereal. It was the late 60's, and the country was all about free love, drugs, and doing what felt good. And what felt good to one Nabisco employee was to eat ice cream for breakfast. Not just any ice cream, mind you, but freeze dried ice cream. "THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!!" I imagine employees chanting as they carefully formulated this concoction known as Rice Cream Flakes, the smash hit from Nabisco that was going to be the future of breakfast for kids and adults across this great nation of ours.

The cereal itself was a rice cereal, but the kicker is that they covered the flakes with this Freeze Dried Ice cream they purchased from Oregon Freeze Dried Foods. There were 3 varieties, Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. Everyone smiled and cheered! VIVA LA ICE CREAM!!!! Let's put it into mass production! USA! USA!USA!

Oh, 2 small problems. It's 1968, and there aren't that many companies out there producing the volume of Freeze Dried Ice Cream that Nabisco needed for mass production of this. And the one company they had been using, Oregon Freeze Dried Foods, was shutting down.

So what should have been a national smash hit in the cereal game turned out to be nothing more then a successful regional test market that left people wanting more, but there was no more to be had. None more Rice Cream Flakes.

Anyone else thinking it's time to bring these back?