Attention customers: Were running a special in our deli department this week - buy one pound of mashed potatoes with homestyle gravy, get a second pound for half off! This is a great bargain for all you potato lovers out there (and gravy lovers too, I suppose, which is in itself, is kind of weird.)
It's a whole truckload of awesome retro commercials from the 60's - 90's! Food! Cars! Video Games! PSAs! Cereal! A little bit of everything! Even Taco Ranch from Pillsbury!
So stop on by and check it out - I'll be adding new commercials daily as I work my way through my hundreds of hours of vintage video tapes of TV shows recorded with the original commercials.
We thank you for being not only a customer, but also a friend.
Product: Slimmons Snacks (Various)
Company: The Richard Simmons Living Trust
Years: 1996-?
Only 6 years after the trainwreck known as Richard Simmon's Salad Spray (which I covered here), Mr. Simmons decided it was time to work out a new product and hopefully make some money while at the same time making people healthier. So in 1996, he rolled out his line of "Slimmons" snacks.
I must admit, I had never heard of these until this last weekend while stumbling across an image of the Buttery Toffee Popcorn online:
But as I dug a little deeper, I realized that Slimmons wasn't just popcorn, but an entire line of different healthy snacks (9 different items according to internet news clippings).
I dug around and found that one other item was Devil's Food Cookies, and my friend Jason Liebig over at CollectingCandy.com actually had a box:
But that's only 2 items of a supposed 9. There is also a photo of the Sourdough Pretzels floating around online......But what were the other items? This is what I could dig up:
1. Buttery Toffee Popcorn
2. Devil's Food Cookies
3. Sourdough Pretzels
4. Some sort of Cheese Flavored Puffed Corn (looking for image)
5. Some sort of chocolate candy bar (looking for image)
6. Rice Cakes (looking for image)
7. ???
8. ???
9. ???
From what I can gather these did not last very long in the market, and some items may have been regional. So I'm asking all you Honorary Stock Boys and Girls to help me out. If you know of any other Slimmon's treats, or better yet have a scan or an image of the packages, let me know!
Product: Dizzy Grizzlie Cookies
Company: Nabisco
Years: 1996-199?
Teddy Grahams were a good cookie. Bite sized, snack-able, delicious.
But they weren't one thing.
They were not.......EXTREME!!!! (Loud screeching guitar solo).
Yes, like many of the products in the mid 90's, Nabisco felt the need to take their successful snack cookie and crank it up to 11. They made the cookies larger, frosted them, and for good measures, added sprinkles.
Extreme enough for you? No? Well, the bears aren't just calmly standing around anymore like those "lame" Teddy Grahams were.....these new bears are TO THE EXTREME! (loud screeching guitar solo).
Skateboarding!
BMXing!
Rollerblading!
They're so EXTREME they grabbed you by the throat and yelled "HEY, YOU THINK YOU ARE EXTREME ENOUGH TO EAT THESE COOKIES, KID!!????!"
"ARE YOU???!!!!!" (Even louder Guitar solos).
I was not extreme enough for these cookies back in the day. I remember seeing them on the shelf and thinking that I was more of an indoor kid...you know......eating regular Teddy Grahams while playing Super Nintendo instead of eating Dizzy Grizzlies and base jumping off the nearest cliff.
And lots of kids must have though the same, because these were only around for a few years.
Great, now that Van Halen song is going to be stuck in my head again.
Pepsi announced yesterday that starting August 8th in the US (and July 7th in Canada) retailers nationwide will start carrying 20 OZ bottles of Crystal Pepsi for a limited time.
Last year, Pepsi gave away a very limited amount of this clear failed soda from the early 90's as a giveaway, but this will be the first time in over 20 years you will see it on the shelves. It will only be available for 8 weeks, so stock up before it goes away forever.
Again.
Or until Pepsi wants to make another cash grab like this.
Because really, it's all this is. Pepsi is cashing in the success of all the retro products that have found new life recently. Ecto Cooler......Hostess Suzi-Q's.....even the awesome 80's candy Bonkers is poised to make a return.
But the limited release is nothing but a cash register sound to resellers/scalpers, who will buy up all the stock and resell it online for huge profit. Heck, I saw cases of the recently re-released Ecto Cooler selling for staggering amounts on eBay, and I fear that unless Pepsi really makes sure the Crystal Pepsi is available in large quantities throughout the nation, we will see a similar thing happen. Which sucks.
Well, it sucks for people who actually liked this stuff.
I wasn't a fan in the early 90's, but I'd give it another chance. In the name of science•.
*I was just contacted by science, and it told me to leave it's name out of it.
Product: Fingos
Company: General Mills
Years: 1993-1994
I was doing some research on Fingos for this post, when my son walked up and asked "What are Fingos?".
I told him "It was an old cereal that was made so you could eat it with your hand."
His 8 year old mind thought for a second, then he says "All cereals can be eaten by hand if you don't add milk."
And he's right.
Which I guess is why this product flopped. You didn't need to market a cereal that can be eaten by hand since ALL cereals can be eaten by hand.
Fingo's was a strange offering from General Mills. It came in 2 flavors, Honey Oats and Cinnamon, and there was also a variety pack called "Fingos Singles" that had smaller snack packs of each flavor.
But nobody bought it, because they could see through the gimmick.
It also didn't help that "Fing" is the Hungarian word for passing gas, and the word "Fingos" translated to "He Farts a lot" in that language.
Which come to think of it, probably would have actually helped with sales, had they made that public. Well, it would have helped with sales among 6-13 year old boys, anyway.
Also, part of their sales slogan was "Anytime, anywhere", which sort of makes me feel like they are threatening to fight me.
Wanna go, Fingos? Huh? Let's go....you and me.....RIGHT NOW! (wait, what's that smell...)
Anyway, they didn't last, but this strange, flatulant, eager to fight cereal still deserves a spot on our shelves.
It was a swing and a miss for General Mills, but perhaps it was just a little before it's time, as there have been several other snackable cereal offerings similar to this in the recent years.
So do you remember eating these back in the early 90s?
Ok, ok...I know it's not that exciting. But I came across this new WWF Superstars Cereal box staring Luke and Butch, or as we have come to know and love them, The Bushwackers. We've all seen the 4 known boxes, with Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, and the Road Warriors on them (as I covered here: WWF Superstars Cereal), but I recently had the opportunity to purchase this box, which I know nothing about, except that it came from someone who used to work for the company who printed all the Ralston boxes in the 80's and 90's. Among the common boxes he had, he also had a few of these Bushwackers boxes.
These are the "Common" 4 WWF Superstar boxes from the early 90s.
Was it the new box that was supposed to hit store shelves soon, but was abruptly pulled when the cereal was discontinued? I would love to get to the bottom of it, but for now, I'm just happy to have it in my collection.
Just a quick post today to point out the fact that Kool-Aid has brough back to the store shelves (for a limited time) some of the greatest previously discontinued flavors of all time. A few months ago I had a post about how I found Sharkleberry Fin on the shelf at my local grocery store and since then I was hoping they would bring back more.
Well, I'm here to let everyone know that they must have been reading my mind (or Kool-Aid is working with the NSA), because in stores now you can get Purplesaurus Rex, Rock-A-Dile Red, Great Bluedini, and Pink Swimmingo! So go! Go Now, before they are gone for another 20+ years!
(Thanks to the Impulse Buy for pointing these out! - www.Theimpulsebuy.com)
At some point in our lives we all need to make hard decisions. Go to college or travel the world. Buy a SUV or buy a minivan. Eat that meatball you found under the couch or not eat that meatball you found under the couch. We make them every day. But the good people at Frito Lay (and I am not saying that to get free samples, Frito Lay......though you do have beautiful eyes. You know that, right? (That is for the free samples)) took it upon themselves back in 1995 to say "Why Choose, bitches? You want Doritos, but at the same time, you also want some delicious cheesy Cheetos. You are high as a goddamn kite, and we're not one to judge you, so lets take the choice out of the equation....and make......CHEETO FLAVORED DORITOS! BOOM!"
Well, as great of an idea as it was, I have to say I certainly don't remember them. And I was in college at that time, so I was, well, lets just say I was their target demographic. (There's a time and a place for everything kids, and that time and place is called College). After scouring the interwebs trying to find a picture of the package, all I could find is this article about them testing this product. Most everyone who tried them loved them, though some said they were too cheesy. And then there is Bill (the single guy). His objection to this product? "Just who is this Chester Cheese guy? Is he really that famous? Why couldn't they just call these cheese flavored Doritos? And what does a cheetah have to do with cheese or tortilla chips?
Well Bill, the reason you are still single is because you ask too many questions.
And Chester Cheese Doritos, the reason you are still not available in stores is because people like to make hard decisions. You either want a Coke or you want a 7up, you don't want a Coke flavored 7up.
And the same goes with your chips.
Oh, and because they are (according to the taste test) way too cheesy, but in a good way?
I kind of wish these were still around, if for no other reason to see what other kinds of mutated Island of Doctor Moreau style chip inventions they would come up with.
Funyun flavored Fritos?
Dorito flavored Pretzels?
The world will never know.
I was never a big oatmeal eater growing up, which is probably why I missed this interesting product from the early 90's: Undercover Bears Oatmeal.
General Mills took the wholesome goodness of oatmeal and the teeth sticking stickiness of gummi bears, combined them, came up with a loveable animal character to be the pitchman, put them in stores, failed to connect on a large scale with kids, lowered prices not once, but 3 times, remained unsuccessful, fired the marketing execs that came up with the idea in the first place, then pulled Undercover Bears from the store shelves, and wept.
I never heard of them until someone posted about them over at Cerealbits.com (check out the site for your fill of retro cereal box goodness!). So I did a little digging, and still didn't come up with much. I was hoping to find a scan of the box, but only found commercial stills and pictures from newpaper ads instead.
Basically, they were gummy bears that were coated in some sort of maple/brown sugar coating and hidden in the oatmeal, so when you the hot water, they bears would magically appear in your bowl!
AMAZING!!!!!!*
*actually only amazing to people who are easily amazed, such as kids, and some dumb adults.
These quite possibly were only around for a year, maybe two, from the little info I could find. So if you remember them, hats off to you my oatmeal loving friends.
Researching these lead me to a lot of gimicky oatmeals from the 80's and 90's I had forgotten about, so I jotted them all down and will be sure to cover more of them here in the future.
Mini post today to let you know what I found at the grocery store the other day. I found this:
Yep, it's back. After disappearing from shelves back in the 90's, Kool-Aid has brought back one of it's classics. For how long? Who knows. That's why I bought a couple (and picked up the display holder too...).
So the real question now is will we see re-releases of the other flavors in the set? Rock-A-Dile Red,Purlesaurus Rex, Great Bluedini, Pink Swimmingoand Incrediberry? We can only hope, wait, and see I guess. In the meantime, I'll make some phone calls, shot off some emails, and see what I can find out. More to come (I hope).
Product: Richard Simmons Salad Spray
Company: Chelton House Products
Year: 1989-1990
Say what you will about Richard Simmons.
No seriously, go ahead, I'll wait.
Exercise Guru and punchline Richard Simmons was WAY ahead of his time when he created a line of salad dressings in 1989 called Salad Spray. The idea was that you don't need to drown your lettuce in salad dressing. Instead, this bottle would spray your salad, sort of like Windex..... each squirt would release one calories worth of dressing, so you know how many calories you're getting. Interesting concept. Only problem is, it was way before it's time (you can find these products on shelves these days by other large name companies....it just took people 15+ years to catch on and accept them.)
It was the late 80's, and people loved their salad dressings. Or people just were a bit weirded out by Richard Simmons and didn't want to be made fun of by strangers/friends/family/strange friends and family.
It came in several different flavors: French, Italian, Roma Cheese, Dijon Vinagrette, and Oriental (whatever that flavor is).
I couldn't find a whole lot about this product, and actually I had forgotten about it until I was reminded by reader Darryl Heine. So I dug into the internet a bit and still couldn't find much.
So I'd be surprised if anyone really remembers using this stuff at all....spraying your salads....or your annoying sister.
So go ahead.......laugh at Richard Simmons all you want.
Products: Just about Everything
Company: Just about all of them
Years: 1970s-90's
Growing up in the early 80's, our family didn't have a ton of money. We got by and made ends meet where we could by finding ways to maximize every cent we had. This meant several things: We would rent VHS tapes of older movies instead of going to the theatre to see new ones; We would shop for school clothes at Kmart and other "not as cool" clothing stores, and we would often take a stroll down the Generic Foods aisle on every trip to the grocery store to see where we could save a few bucks. Looking back, I remember being embarrassed at those times. While my best friend's parents had their cupboards stocked with Oreos and Ruffles Potato chips, my parents had ours stuffed with "Chocolate Sandwich Cookies" and "Potato Chips" in a package that suggested "Guess what? You're poor!"
Generic Brands are not really gone (technically). We see them all the time on store shelves. You know, those knock off boxes of Mac and Cheese that aren't made by Kraft, and those boxes of Fruity Ring's Cereal that aren't made by General Mills. Generic brands are everywhere still, but not the Generic Brands I remember as a kid. Now you find them on every shelf...colorful packages with cartoons on them and bright graphics, the only really difference is that instead of a major brand name they are made by a smaller, unknown company, often depending on the retailer. They sit on the shelves right next to their Major Brand competitor, giving you side by side comparison on cost and appearance of the products.
But back in the late 70's and early 80s, the Generic Brands were condemned to their very own aisle, sort of the "Aisle of Misfit Foods", if you will. In one aisle, you could get your generic cereals, chips, canned goods, snacks, paper products....you name it. There were even generic cigarettes and alcohol (my dad was a big fan of the "Beer").
The typical package design that I remember was black and white, simple (plain) box or can, with the product name used as the descriptor. "Ice Cream", or "Cola", or "Potato Chips". That's what made them so cheap....you aren't paying for the fancy package, just the product inside. And like many of todays "Store Brand" products, the items inside often (but not always) were pretty close in taste to the Major Brand items they are mimicking.
Every once in a while you still stumble upon true black and white "Generic" items in stores, but not very often anymore. So these items aren't completely gone from the stores. But the days of that leper colony of an aisle known as the Generic Aisle are long gone. The other day I saw boxes of true "Generic" potato chips at Piggly Wiggly near my house, and I teared up a little bit remembering grade school picnics, where you were always certain to see someone taking the chips from the iconic generic boxes and pouring them into a bowl.
I'm an adult now (for the most part), and like lots of other things from my childhood, I can look back now and appreciate it all. I miss those trips to the store with mom, even the dreaded Generic Aisle.
It's funny how little things like a black and white box can make you both long for the days of your childhood and still appreciate what you have today.
Generic items are not gone, but as the once dominant "Generic Brand" they were, I think it's safe to say that they are extinct. Sometimes they sneak in with the more popular "Store Brands"....should you can be so lucky to see them in the wild. If you see any, snap a picture and send them my way! I'd love to see them! I'm curious what's still out there.
Product: Carnation Breakfast Bar
Company: Carnation/Nestle
Years: 1975-1993 (?)
I had no idea people were so gaga over the Carnation Breakfast bar.
And not just regular old gaga, but like, "lets start multiple online petitions to bring them back" gaga.
People are trying to recreate the recipe and make their own.....
This discontinued product even has it's own Facebook page! Settle down, people!
Image by Grickly
Yes, people have been pining for these delicious treats since Nestle decided to pull them from the shelves. I'm not sure exactly when they were discontinued, or WHY they were discontinued, but some of the last Newspaper advertisements I could find for them were right around 1992/93, so I'm marking that as the extinction date.
I actually do remember eating these when I was little, especially on camping trips or car rides to the cottage......or as an after school snack. It was a semi-nutritious meal replacement. Sort of the grandfather to the thousands of "Energy/Meal" bars on the market today. But the genius thing about the Carnation bars is that they covered the things in chocolate. Fact and point, kids will eat anything covered in chocolate. It sort of blurs the lines between adult food and kids food. It's covered in chocolate? Sure, I'll try it.
They came in various flavors over the years - The original flavors were Chocolate Crumb, Chocolate Chip, Granola with Peanut butter, Granola with Raisins, and Granola with Cinnamon. Over teh years, other flavors were added, such as Chocolate Coconut Crunch, Caramel Nut Crunch, and Chocolate Malted Milk Crunch (this is the one I remember most, as I wasn't really a fan of Malted milk, but for some reason my mom always bought it).
And more important then feeding the masses of hungry 70's/80's kids, it was the official snack on the Space Shuttle Columbia. That's right.....MF'n astronauts ate them in space. Amazing.
Unfortunately, like the US space program, it's been discontinued. Hopefully, if there is any intelligent life out there, we will one day see these return to store shelves everywhere. Now if I can just find a petition to sign........
Sometimes they come back.......the Return of Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy!
A little different post today to make everyone aware (thought it seems like everyone has known about and been extremely excited for these for a while now) that General Mills has brought back two of it's Gone but not Forgotten Cereals for Halloween, Yummy Mummy and the legendary Frute Brute! I've talked about them before, but a few months ago when I heard they were coming back from the dead, I was genuinely excited, as I'm sure most of you were. Both these cereals have been gone for 20+ years, so it's quite exciting (and an A+++++ for General Mills) to see a company listening to the cries of us thirtysomethingers (that's a word, right?) to bring back the cereals that we miss from our childhood. Simply bringing them back would have been enough for most people, but like me, I remember a lot of people saying "Wouldn't it be cool if they not only brought them back, but brought back the original packaging that we all loved so much?" As it turned out, General Mills was doing their homework, because the next day it was announced that they would be available for a limited time, IN THEIR ORIGINAL PACKAGING, from Target! Simply amazing. The nerd in me made plans to check Target each and every day until I found these (which sadly I still haven't spotted them in my area), but I did get a surprise prize package in the mail from General Mills (provided through MyBlogSpark) containg 3 of the 5 boxes, Boo Berry, Frute Brute, and Yummy Mummy.
So I did what any 30+ year old would do who is longing for the simpler times that were his youth would do: I woke up with my kids early one Saturday Morning, popped in a DVD which contained a 3 hour block of cartoons with Original Commercials from my youth (1984 to be exact), and cracked open all 3 boxes of cereal, which my kids and I quickly devoured.
Boo Berry and Frute Brute were the first to go, followed up by Yummy Mummy. It was a glorious morning, and my kids and I loved them all. I have to thank General Mills for doing this. I can't help but think that they will have a spike in sales simply from people like myself, as I know some of my internet buddies are buying 2...3....even 4 boxes at a time. Stock up, and display the boxes proudly! (We all know how much the original Fruit Brute boxes go for, so the Retro box will have to do for now!)
I still need to hunt down the Count Chocula and Frankenberry retro boxes to finish my collection, and I will continue to check Target until I find them.
And if having the retro boxes of love wasn't enough, if you purchase 3 retro boxes at Target between now and October 31st you will get a Monster Bash magazine, which contains tips and tricks for making your Halloween the spookiest and creepiest Halloween ever, and its FREE when you purchase 3 boxes in a single shopping trip. So what are you waiting for! Stock up while you can!!! The clock is ticking, and Halloween is almost here!!!
Once again, I want to thank General Mills for making this retro nerd happy this Halloween season (It's a Halloween miracle!) I'd also like to thank MyBlogSpark for sending me the boxes of love!
Product: Otter Ade
Company: National Pax Corp.
Years: 1983-1990
From the land of powdered drink mixes comes the long forgotten Otter Ade, the fruity sister to everyones favorite "Otter Pops". This drink mix was around in the 80's and was similar to your other drink mixes, came already mixed with sugar and contained Vitamin C (so that they could maybe sneak it under your parents radar, because you are really just drinking cups of sugar.....).
Who remembers this stuff? I was always a Kool-Aid kid, so my parents never really ventures into alternative ways to give us sugary drinks such as Otter Ade or Funny Face mixes. Though I have to say these packages are very appealing to a kid, not sure why I never begged for them.
On a side note, you can still buy Otter Pops today with these same characters on them. Wonder why they stopped making the Ade. And I wonder why they never had Sir Isaac Lime, a very popular pop flavor, in the powdered Ade form.
Also, a part of me hopes that there was an article in a newspaper or marketing magazine or something back in 1990 that read "National Pax Corp to stop giving kids Ades".
Otter Ade came in several fun flavors with it's own cool Otter mascot:
Alexander the Grape-
Image by Grickly
Louie Bloo Raspberry-
Poncho Punch-
Image by Grickly
Strawberry Short Kook-
Image by Grickly
Scarlet O'Cherry-
Image by Grickly
Fun stuff. And extremely cool and collectable packages. Who remembers drinking this stuff?
As always, share your comments and stories below on Otter Ade!
Ah..... Zima. What can I really say that hasn't been said before. You were the drink of choice when making fun of my friends in College ("Hey Keith, you want a Zima or something???? *HighFivesFriends*) and to this day you are still the punchline to many jokes told when were out on the town. How did you become such a punching bag in the first place? I mean, really, Zima, it wasn't your fault. You just came around 10 years too early. Today you'd be the star of any party, but sadly, we will never know.
Zima (the Eastern European word for "Winter") was produced by the Miller Coors company back in the early 90's during what us food historians call the "Clear Beverage Craze". What had started in Soda (Clear Tab, Crystal Pepsi) had moved on to clear adult beverages, and while Gin and Vodka had been around for ages, clear beverages aimed at a younger demographic was the new thing. Zima was the grandfather, with other companies stepping up to compete for a share of the market. Miller came out with their own version, called Miller Qube, and Stroh's came out with a variation called "Clash". Zima, by far, had the most success of any of these drinks.
The idea behind Zima was to offer an alternative to wine coolers, and the Lemon Lime drink quickly became a favorite drink of women. Coors marketed the hell out of Zima, and at one point it was estimated that half of the drinking age population had tried it (and who knows how much of the non-drinking age population.....Come on.....in Highschool you'd drink ANYTHING, and you know it).
In 1995, Coors realized it had a gender problem on it's hands, in that it was extremely uncool for men to drink Zima. So it marketed a new drink, Zima Gold, which was an amber colored drink with a bourbon taste to it, hoping men would drink it up. But we didn't, because the only think worse then passing up alcohol is being made fun of by our friends for drinking something uncool. It was quickly discontinued and became the Death Knell for the brand. They tried a few more things to save the brand, changing packaging and bottle shape, adding new citrus flavors, but to no avail. Zima was soon after pronounced dead. I've heard you can still get Zima in some places in Japan, to which I have to ask the important question, "Why?".
So lets here your best stories of drinking Zima in the 90's! You can leave out the embarrassing stuff, even though, you will have admitted to drinking Zima already, which in and of itself, is pretty embarrassing.
Product: Sir Chomps A Lot Mini Cheese Ravioli
Company: Chef Boyardee (American Home Foods)
Years: 1991-?
Here's a fun one that I don't remember (look, I was in Highschool in the early 90's....I was a bit too cool to be eating pasta from a can, alright? I was cool, right? Anyone? Mom?). It's called Sir Chomps A Lot, and it was a mini ravioli in a can made by Chef Boyardee. Nothing about this product stands out from the millions of other pasta based meals Chef Boyardee has ever or will ever put on the shelves. Everything, except for this:
Image by Gregg Koenig
Yep, a presumably British Alligator by the name of Sir Chomps A Lot. Which seems like an odd choice of a mascot to me. I mean, look at him. He looks rather unexcited about the whole thing. "Mini Ravioli? Eh.....Seems a bit boring for a sophisticated reptile as myself....I fancy myself as more of a Fettuccine with Fresh Mushrooms, Tarragon and a mild Goad Cheese Sauce kind of person, er, Reptile." - Say that in your best British Accent. Preferably outloud. Make your co-workers and/or family members wonder what's wrong with you, or give them another thing to add to the list.
So is he a Crocodile or an Alligator anyway? Can you tell? I sure can't.
On the back of the can, it says (which sounds nothing like something a British person, er, reptile would say. Even adding an accent to it still sounds wrong:
"Hello, I'm Sir Chomps-A-Lot and I've lost control for these little Bite Size ravioli from Chef Boyardee. They're so delicious you'll want to romp, and stomp and do a dance called "The Chomp".
Wait, what? We're introducing a new dance now too? You expect me to believe this butler looking person, er, reptile actually dances??? Is the Chomp even a real dance? Anyone? Wikipedia? Mom?
Well now, would you look at this...HE DOES DANCE!:
Still, seems like an odd mascot to me. You know the marketing group came up with the name first, which forced it to be a British person, er, crocodile/Alligator, and from there the whole concept just fell apart quickly.
There were also other Sir Chomps A Lot products like Spaghetti and meatballs, but you get the idea.
Fun for kids on the early 90's, but completely invisible to me, a cool high school kid listening to my grunge music and smoking my Camel Lights.
Still, as one of the many Chef Boyardee offerings to come our way in the last 40 years, it has to be noted in the pages of products that are no more, so we will give it it's place here at Gone but Not Forgotten Groceries.
WWF Superstars Cereal
Company: Ralston-Purina
Years: 1991-?
Photo by poptartsbox
Now entering the ring, from Ralston-Purina, weighing in at 14.25 oz....no, you aren't imagining things, it really did happen, the Cereal that turns heads and puts the "Stare" back into "Steroids" (yeah, yeah, I know.....), its WWF SUPERSTARS CEREAAAAAALLLLLL!
Back in the early 90's Ralston-Purina and WWF teamed up to bring the smack-down to your mouth with their new cereal, WWF Superstars. It was available in 4 certain to make your parents wonder what is wrong with you collectors boxes including The Ultimate Warrior, Hulk Hogan, and the Legion of Doom. The cereal itself was lightly sweetened star shapes that I swear was used in about 4 other cereals and just repurposed for this short lived money-making adventure. Children loved the WWF. Parents love their children. Children beg parents to get the cereal with the oiled up half naked men with face paint/bondage gear on the front. Parents think "Sure, why not?" Children spend hours on therapist couch some 20 years later trying to figure it all out.
Look, I'm not saying Superstars cereal or WWF is to blame for us 30+ year olds that have messed up lives. I watched WWF through most of the 80's, stopped for a while, then picked it up again from about 96-2001 (though I haven't watched it since). But I am saying that we can't talk about WWF Superstars cereal without doing a "Where are they now" on the cover models. Here's the cliffs notes version:
Hogan just had a sex tape leaked, Warrior changed his legal name to "Warrior" (just Warrior...like Sting, or Madanna) and is now a conservative speaker denouncing left wing politics ("Queering doesn't make the world work" is one of his gems), and if I'm not mistaken, one of the guys from Legion of Doom had a serious drug and alcohol problem and died at a young age of a heart attack.
Exactly the people I want my kids to be staring at every morning while they get their breakfast on.
But hey, I grew up watching them, and I turned out alright. Or at least that's what my therapist tells me.
Here's a fun game! What other WWF wrestlers who wrestled in the 80's/90's and went on to have tragic lives could have also been on the boxes of WWF Superstars? Benoit? Owen Hart? In an industry that turns out so many broken lives and shattered dreams, the possibilites must be endless! Post your ideas below! And if you're an angry WWF/WWE fan who thinks I shouldn't be making fun of them, your opinions matter to me! Please email me at WWFisAwesome1981@compuserve.com.
S'mores Crunch Cereal
Company: General Mills
Years: 1982-1988
Photo by Greg Koenig
Of all the cereals from my childhood, S'mores Crunch has to be in my top 5 cereals I'd bring back if I ever ran for President of the United States and won. Which in this day and age, with all the money floating around the elections, is pretty tough to do. I mean, sure, maybe if some of you chipped in and started a Super PAC for me and were able to donate a few million dollars each, then maybe. But as it sits right now, it's a long shot at best, so you can probably just count on S'mores Crunch remaining discontinued, and that's a damn shame. Because it was delicious.
Launched in 1982, S'mores Crunch was, to put it simply, Golden Grahams with marshmallows.
But when you cut down to the core of what made it great, it was more then that......it was truly special. It was grahams. It was chocolate. It was marshmallow. It was rainbows. It was unicorns. It was love.
It was all those things in a bowl (but mostly just the first 3).
You might remember the commercials for S'mores, which not unlike every kids cereal commercial made from the dawn of man, involved some kids trying to get some cereal. Then they run into a problem (someone steals their cereal / someone traps them in a cage and keeps them from getting their cereal / they get hit by a bus). Luckily, they have some help getting them to their beloved cereal. In this case, they are helped by The S'morecerer. He takes them out of the horrible situation they are in (trapped in a room with a Nickleback album playing over and over and over again) and drops them right smack dab in front of a big bowl of S'mores, and after finishing their cereal, one of the kids cleverly says "Can I have S'more?"
HAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaaaaaa...........you stupid kid, no you can't have any more, it's been discontinued.
In the late 80's Smores Crunch tried to rebrand itself as S'mores Grahams, and it lasted a few more years into the early 90's, but it was finally discontinued for good after the great marshmallow famine of 1992. Or it just wasn't selling as well as it had been. It was one of those two things I think.
Photo by Jason Liebig
In 2003, Kelloggs ripped off the idea and came out with a cereal called Smorz which was a @%*#*!$ travesty to all things holy. It wasn't the same at all. It was a cheap knockoff of a cheap knockoff of a once great cereal. So I just pretend it never happened. Kind of like The Hangover 2.
Finally, an observation: Is anyone else kind of creeped out by the cartoon marshmallow on the box? I mean, on the S'mores Crunch box, it looks like him, Chocolate and Graham Cracker are all buds, just hanging out, smiling......waiting for you to take them home and love them. But then, on the S'mores Grahams box, Marshmallow has decided to eat his friends, like some sort of Marshzombie.
Just an observation I had. Probably means nothing.
Or does it? (note to self - load guns for impending zombie marshmallow apocalypse.)
I'm going to break from my standard post format for this one, because it's not an item that you would have bought in a Grocery store, so it sort of disqualifies it from Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries, but it still falls in the "Foods of Days Past" and "Hey, I remember eating those" category. Not to mention it certainly falls into the "What the $#@%" and "You're gonna die if you eat that" category as well.
So Maybe you've already heard about this news story.
A man named Mort Bank from Bismarck N.D. was cleaning out his basement one day and came across an item from his days of owning/operating a McDonalds restaurant. The item? A gallon jug of McDonalds special McJordon BBQ Sauce, circa 1992.
You see, 20 years ago, McDonalds was selling (for a limited time only!) a burger called the "McJordon" in honor of Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordon. The burger was a quarter-pound hamburger with smoked bacon, cheese, McJordan barbecue sauce, onions, mustard and pickle, which I guess, were all of Michael Jordan's favorite ingredients on a burger. The "McJordon" was sold only in limited markets in the United States, but later that year was sold nationwide with it's name changed to the "Big 33".
So Mort did what he does with all his old McDonalds items he has lying around: He put it up on ebay.
Because hey, you never know. But Mort really did know one thing: There are idiots on ebay with a LOT of money just burning a hole in their pockets/purses/old timey sacks with "$" stamped on the front, and he found that person. The winning bid came from an undisclosed person from Chicago, and it was exactly what you would expect any rational human being to pay for a pretty plain looking bottle of expired 20 year old BBQ sauce celebrating a retired NBA star: $9,995.
I'm not kidding. Someone paid just shy of 10 grand for this now lethal burger topping.
Which leads me to believe one of 2 things: The buyer was either a HUGE Bulls/Jordon fan with way too much money, or it was someone who has figured out how to successfully time travel. They take the bottle in their DeLorean (or phonebooth if the buyer was either Bill or Ted) back to about 1991. They get in touch with the owner of McDonalds, and they tell that clown "Hey, we've got a great idea for a burger, and we've concocted this special BBQ sauce for it! Now give us 5 million dollars!"
Which forces me to ask the bigger question here: If you take expired food products back though time before the expiration date, do they become edible again?
Someone needs to do some research, and it may as well be me. Quick, find me a box of Fruit Brute and a Tardis......
