From the Misc. Foods Aisle - Tuna Twist

Product: Tuna Twist
Company: Nabisco
Years: 1976

"I'm Sir Celery, I'm Ms. Parsley, We are the Onion Twins...
We're...in....Tuna Twist, a tuna taste, fresh as the garden"

Let me just start off by coming clean: I think Tuna is disgusting. It smells bad, it tastes bad, and the seafood industry wants you to believe that it's this wonderful high class product, when it's actually, in my opinion, the seafood version of Spam. Cheap, canned, and oh so gross. (There goes my big Tuna/Spam sponsorship money......)

I have to say, though, that I was intrigued the other day when I stumbled upon a product that I had never heard of in my life, called Tuna Twist. The product, made by Nabisco in 1976, was a "meal extender", which is a fancy term for "this is all the food we have in the house until next payday, so we need to make it last". Basically, it was seasoning packets that was to be added to tuna salad that somehow magically made your pound of tuna turn into a pound and a half.

Witchcraft? We can't be certain.

Actually, the packets contained textured vegetable protein. Remember this. It will be important later on.

Tuna Twist came in 3 flavors: Onion, Cheddar, and Italian.
"We are giving the consumer a way of adding variety to her tuna. Most housewives just don't take the time to do things like take an onion, dice it, and add it to the tuna, themselves". Stated a Nabisco Representative - From a newspaper article from July 27 1976.

This product was launched in the summer of 1976, and was going to be the new big thing in stores and kitchens around the country. Heck, they even had a commercial with dancing vegetables.....

But it turned out there was a problem.
That textured vegetable protein I mentioned earlier? Yeah....about that...
..it was making people sick. Lots of people.

So only a few months after it's launch, there was a recall on the product, and Tuna Twist was pulled from all store shelves. Considering that I couldn't find any advertisements or coupons from any year other then 1976, I'm pretty sure it never returned.

Did it ever come back? That's where I need your help. Do you remember eating Tuna Twist later then 1976? And can you be certain it was in fact, Nabisco Tuna Twist, and not some knockoff that came later.

You know, a product that had a name like Tuna Tonight! (and Tomorrow night...and the night after that....), or "Totally Tuna! (made with 92% Vegetable Protein). If you remember it, let me know below.

And as for the commercial - here you go. Watch 4 tuna sandwiches turn into 6!
(She's a witch! Burn her!)

From the Misc. Food Aisle - Mr. Wiggle

Product: Mr. Wiggle
Company: Kraft Foods
Years: Early 1965 - ?

It seems strange that there was once a time when they had to find a way to market Jell-O to kids, but once upon a time (10 years before me), this was actually the case. Kids everywhere were folding their arms, making that frumpy face that kids make when they don't want something. You know the look:

So Jell-O came out with a new line of Jello that they were sure kid would love. They combined Jello with the one thing kids love: Toys! Jello filled with marbles, plastic army men and jumping jacks turned out to be a HORRIBLE idea, so they went with plan B: Candy! (Note - the part about the toys? Yeah, I made that up. Just in case you actually believed me. In which case, you should know better.)

Mr. Wiggle was a candy flavored jello. You heard me correctly. Take the sweet, sugary taste of Jell-O, and add candy! Brilliant! Kids loved it! Parents loved that their kids loved it! Dentists just stood there, shaking their heads, saying stuff like  "Really?", and "There goes the country!"

It came in 6 flavors: Gumdrop Grape, Candycorn Orange, Jellybean Strawberry, Lollypop Lime, Rockcandy Raspberry, and Candyball Cherry. It was glorious, and, it had some pretty awesome commercials voiced by the amazing Paul Frees and Daws Butler, arguably 2 of the most famous voices of our childhoods.

On a side note, there was a big lawsuit filed in the 70's over this product. It turns out that a design agency (Young & Rubicam) pitched the idea to the Jell-O people for a jello aimed at kids, that could have a fun name, like Mr. Wiggly or Mr. Wigglee. The Jell-O people (they weren't actually MADE out of Jello, which would have been pretty cool) wasn't ready to commit to this, since they tough their original product was good enough. Then they got wind that their competitor Pillsbury was going to be coming out with their own line of kids gelatin called "Jiggly". Kraft wasn't about to let that happen, and decided to go ahead with the kids version, but instead of Mr. Wiggley, call it Mr. Wiggle, which was a COMPLETELY different thing altogether. They cut out the advertising agency and said it was really an idea they had Long before Y&T had even mentioned it to them. Lawsuits ensued. Lawyers were called. Feeling were hurt. I'm not even sure what the outcome of the lawsuit was.....beleive me, I tried to read all these court documents on the case to figure it out, but they might as well write out those court papers in Latin, because after reading several pages I forgot if I was reading a court case or trying to order Chinese food. (I got the General Tso's).

Mr. Wiggle was loved by many. It was before my time, but I would welcome it's return. Heck, it wouldn't be too far out to think they could join forces with some popular candy companies today and revive the line. Skittles/Starburst/Nerds candy would all work well. Someone.....make this happen.

From the Miscellaneous Products Aisle: Richard Simmons Salad Spray

Product: Richard Simmons Salad Spray
Company: Chelton House Products
Year: 1989-1990

Say what you will about Richard Simmons.

No seriously, go ahead, I'll wait.

Exercise Guru and punchline Richard Simmons was WAY ahead of his time when he created a line of salad dressings in 1989 called Salad Spray. The idea was that you don't need to drown your lettuce in salad dressing. Instead, this bottle would spray your salad, sort of like Windex..... each squirt would release one calories worth of dressing, so you know how many calories you're getting. Interesting concept. Only problem is, it was way before it's time (you can find these products on shelves these days by other large name companies....it just took people 15+ years to catch on and accept them.)
It was the late 80's, and people loved their salad dressings. Or people just were a bit weirded out by Richard Simmons and didn't want to be made fun of by strangers/friends/family/strange friends and family.

It came in several different flavors: French, Italian, Roma Cheese, Dijon Vinagrette, and Oriental (whatever that flavor is).

I couldn't find a whole lot about this product, and actually I had forgotten about it until I was reminded by reader Darryl Heine. So I dug into the internet a bit and still couldn't find much.
So I'd be surprised if anyone really remembers using this stuff at all....spraying your salads....or your annoying sister.

So go ahead.......laugh at Richard Simmons all you want.

Sure, I can wait again.

Who wants a salad??!??!???

From the Misc. Foods Aisle: Generic Brands

Products: Just about Everything
Company: Just about all of them
Years: 1970s-90's

Growing up in the early 80's, our family didn't have a ton of money. We got by and made ends meet where we could by finding ways to maximize every cent we had. This meant several things: We would rent VHS tapes of older movies instead of going to the theatre to see new ones; We would shop for school clothes at Kmart and other "not as cool" clothing stores, and we would often take a stroll down the Generic Foods aisle on every trip to the grocery store to see where we could save a few bucks. Looking back, I remember being embarrassed at those times. While my best friend's parents had their cupboards stocked with Oreos and Ruffles Potato chips, my parents had ours stuffed with "Chocolate Sandwich Cookies" and "Potato Chips" in a package that suggested "Guess what? You're poor!"

Generic Brands are not really gone (technically). We see them all the time on store shelves. You know, those knock off boxes of Mac and Cheese that aren't made by Kraft, and those boxes of Fruity Ring's Cereal that aren't made by General Mills. Generic brands are everywhere still, but not the Generic Brands I remember as a kid. Now you find them on every shelf...colorful packages with cartoons on them and bright graphics, the only really difference is that instead of a major brand name they are made by a smaller, unknown company, often depending on the retailer.  They sit on the shelves right next to their Major Brand competitor, giving you side by side comparison on cost and appearance of the products.
But back in the late 70's and early 80s, the Generic Brands were condemned to their very own aisle, sort of the "Aisle of Misfit Foods", if you will.  In one aisle, you could get your generic cereals, chips, canned goods, snacks, paper products....you name it. There were even generic cigarettes and alcohol (my dad was a big fan of the "Beer").

The typical package design that I remember was black and white, simple (plain) box or can, with the product name used as the descriptor. "Ice Cream", or "Cola", or "Potato Chips". That's what made them so cheap....you aren't paying for the fancy package, just the product inside. And like many of todays "Store Brand" products, the items inside often (but not always) were pretty close in taste to the Major Brand items they are mimicking.

Every once in a while you still stumble upon true black and white "Generic" items in stores, but not very often anymore. So these items aren't completely gone from the stores. But the days of that leper colony of an aisle known as the Generic Aisle are long gone. The other day I saw boxes of true "Generic" potato chips at Piggly Wiggly near my house, and I teared up a little bit remembering grade school picnics, where you were always certain to see someone taking the chips from the iconic generic boxes and pouring them into a bowl.

I'm an adult now (for the most part), and like lots of other things from my childhood, I can look back now and appreciate it all. I miss those trips to the store with mom, even the dreaded Generic Aisle.
It's funny how little things like a black and white box can make you both long for the days of your childhood and still appreciate what you have today.

Generic items are not gone, but as the once dominant "Generic Brand" they were, I think it's safe to say that they are extinct. Sometimes they sneak in with the more popular "Store Brands"....should  you can be so lucky to see them in the wild. If you see any, snap a picture and send them my way! I'd love to see them! I'm curious what's still out there.

From the Misc. Products Aisle: Jello 1-2-3

Product: Jell-O 1-2-3
Company: Kraft Foods
Years: 1969 - 1996

Image by Gregg Koenig

Quick, name the first 3 things that come to your mind when I say the word "MAGIC".

"White Tigers":  OK, not really Magic, but I guess I'll give you...

"Doug Henning's Fantastic Magical Hair": Hmm....I guess it's magic related, but his hair? Really? That's what you remember the most....

"Jell-o 1-2-3": Ha ha ha.....I'm glad you're having fun dicking me around, jerk.

But guess what? The Jokes on you. Because I was going to talk about Jell-o 1-2-3 anyway. Hey wait, where are you going?

Jell-o 1-2-3 was one of many Jell-o products to be released in the 70's, and it actually was quite successful for Kraft. It came in 3 flavors that I know of: Orange, Strawberry and Mixed Berry. The whole idea was that you could make this awesome 3 layered Jell-o that would knock the socks off your easily impressed dinner guests.
Especially Cindy. That girl was dense.

The 3 layers set in different colors and different textures, one like Jell-o, one like a pudding, and one a soft foam/mousse like texture.  I sort of remember eating this in the 80's, but I always just thought my mom was very talented at making jell-o. Now looking back, I guess without that skill she was a disappointment after all. (I kid, mom, I kid. I'm sure there was something else you were good at. When I think of it, I'll let you know.)

I'm not sure why this product was discontinued in the late 90's after such a long, successful run. But if I had to guess, it was probably because they were developing Jell-o 1-2-3-4,  which they were over confident and cocky about. They were sure it was going to be the next big thing. But guess what? Riots broke out. Stores were looted. Fires were set. The world wasn't ready for a 4 layered desert.
Or maybe that never happened. The 90's were sort of a blur to me.

Anyway, there are petitions online for Kraft to bring this back, and there are recipes online showing you how you can make your own Jell-o 1-2-3.

But it's just not the same.

We miss you, Jell-o 1-2-3.
And we miss you too, Doug Henning.

From the Misc. Products Aisle: Vote Toothpaste

Product: Vote Toothpaste
Company: Bristol Myers
Years: 1966 - 70's (?)

Hey everyone.

This is kind of awkward for me to even be bringing up, but it's just that....how do I put this nicely.....all these Gone But Not Forgotten Groceries you've been eating have done a number on your breath.

I mean, you've been eating Bakewiches, you've been eating Libbyland Dinners.......and every time you breathe on me a little part of me dies. Mostly my nose part.

So I went and got you something.

Yep. I got you a tube of Vote Toothpaste. This isn't some weak kids toothpaste either....it's the adult toothpaste that comes in the new plastic tube. Yes, you heard me correctly. Those old Metal tubes are a thing of the past with Vote. This is 1968, embrace the future already.

I know what you're thinking: Why "Vote"? Well, because it's your civic duty as an American Citizen.

Aw, I'm just messin' with you.

And I'm dodging the question, because why it's called VOTE is a mystery to me too. We could ask around and see if anyone has the inside scoop. Yeah, I think we should do that.

But for now, I just want you to do one thing. Brush those nasty looking teeth.

It's your civic duty as an American Citizen (and your civic duty as someone sitting so close to me).

From the Misc. Food Aisle: Klop Klop Whipped Topping

Klop Klop Whipped Topping
Company: Pfeiffer's Foods
Year: Mid-70's



Hmm.....Imported Whipped Cream Topping from Holland. I wonder if this is still being made in Holland, and if it is, why they stopped importing it.
Oh, right, nobody wants to buy a product that sounds like a disease.

Man: "Honey, I was out today and I picked up Klop Klop"
Woman: "I think penicillin will take care of that."

The ad above is the coolest part of Klop Klop, as it was drawn by long time Mad Magazine artist Mort Drucker. And everyone loves Mad Magazine. (Which is more then I can say for Klop Klop, or as I will refer to it from now on, "The Klop". Which sounds even more like a disease. Ew.

From the Misc. Foods Aisle - Fruit Helper

Fruit Helper
Company: Betty Crocker
Years: 1973 - ???

In 1973, Betty Crocker expanded their line of "Helper" products to include this fabulous flop, Fruit Helper. It was a kit that allowed people to make a fruit desert with either canned or fresh fruit, but it was really a half-baked idea, as whipping up a fruit desert didn't take all that long to begin with, so it wasn't needed.

People didn't think it was handy, so the Hamburger Helper Hand gave it the finger, and poof, it was gone.