Product: Screaming Yellow Zonkers
Company: Lincoln Foods
Years: 1969-2007
Sometimes in life, you are aware of certain things without ever getting to experience them.
I am aware of White Castle hamburgers, but there aren't any remotely near where I live, so I've never had them.
I am aware of perms, but unless I lose a bet or get paid a LOT of money, I'll never have one.
And I was aware of Screaming Yellow Zonkers when they were around, but for whatever reason always passed. And now, it's too late. (for the Screaming Yellow Zonkers, not the perm, but I'm still gonna pass on that one).
Screaming Yellow Zonkers was a popcorn snack produced by Lincoln Foods in the 60's-2000's. It had a very sweet, sugary glaze over them. No Peanuts. No prize at the bottom. Just a sweet, sweet popcorn snack.
Doesn't sound so interesting, does it?
Well, the real draw of the Screaming Yellow Zonkers was not what was inside, but what was on the outside: one of the most brilliant packages ever. The box was a striking black box (claimed to be one of the first black packages on the market) with all kinds of cool, goofy illustrations and text around the box, including tips on "How to Wash your Zonkers", or "How to Mate Your Zonkers". On the bottom of the box, a quick guide was printed explaining how to determine if it were indeed the bottom: “Open the top, and turn the box upside down. If the Zonkers fall out, this is the bottom. If they fall up, this is the top. If nothing happens, this box is empty.”
The box was brilliantly created by Hurvis, Binzer and Churchill, a young start up ad agency out of Chicago. Artists such as Charlie White and Seymour Chwast illustrated the boxes with imaginative drawings that just scream all kinds of awesomeness.
Box Photo by Jason Liebig
And what makes the boxes even cooler is that they would frequently come out with new boxes full of other goofy stuff. Brilliant, just brilliant. Had I been paying attention, the collector/hoarder in me would have been thrilled.
Unfortunately, in 2007, Lincoln Foods was bought out by Conagra, and the Screaming Yellow Zonkers were discontinued, leaving me, like a fool, wishing I had picked up a box or 10 or 100 while I had the chance.
Instead, I'm left alone to eat my Poppycock and Cracker Jacks. Peanuts and all.
Product: Bakewiches
Company: Veeco International
Years: 1974-?
Quick post today, partly because I'm pretty busy these days, partly because the product I picked is from the black hole of food products that nobody on the planet seems to remember. The product is called Bakewiches, and from my estimation, they are the grandfather of the Hot Pocket (if Hot Pockets had grandparents, which they don't).
Bakewiches came from a company called Veeco International out of Wichita, which Trademarked the name back in 1974 (this TM has expired, so if you are looking for a hip name for your friends new indie band, look no further.) The frozen sandwiches came in 3 flavors, Homestyle (not exactly sure what flavor that is supposed to be), Bar-B-Que and Chili (you know, for all those fans of chili sandwiches back in the 70's.)
And that is about all I know. You put them in your oven, and before long you are eating a delicious Chili or Bar-B-Que stuffed bread pocket. And really, what more do you need to know. Exactly.
I'm going to bet nobody remembers these at all. I don't. Nobody I know remembers them. If it wasn't for the above Newspaper clipping and a Trademark, I'd almost say someone made them up. Probably the same guy who claims "Homestyle" is a flavor.
Product: Hamdingers
Company: Patrick Cudahy
Years: 1976-?
What would you say if I told you that there was once a time when you could actually have a choice when purchasing fake processed meat in a can? I know, "Who cares" was my response too. But then I realized that the magical treat I am going to tell you about comes from my home state of Wisconsin, and I felt it my duty to represent. I am sick of people always saying that the only things to come out of Wisconsin are brats, cheeseheads, and beer. It's time that they add another thing to that list: Hamdingers.
Hamdingers were a short lived meat product produced by the Patrick Cudahy Company out of Cudahy, WI in the mid 70's (they trademarked the name "Hamdinger" in 1976, and that Trademark has expired and is available if you feel the need to own it). The product was sliced ham patties, about the size of a hamburger patty, and it came in a round can. Like Spam, it became a great meat to fry up with some eggs for breafast, but the great thing about Hamdingers is that it came in individually sliced portions, so you could grab a patty and fry it up for that perfect Hamdinger sandwich.
Hamdingers became a recurring joke used on the TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000, where the product often would be brought up by the cast. In one episode, they found an escape pod in a large box of Hamdingers. The reason nobody ever found it before was that nobody had any desire to open the box.
Hamdingers were so short lived, they have sort of become lore, in that there isn't a ton of information about them, but people definitely do remember eating them in the late 70's. I'm not sure if it was a regional thing that pretty much kept to the central states or if it could be found in other parts of the country.
Do you remember eating Hamdingers? If so, please let us know what you thought and what memories you had of them!
The world needs more meat in a can. Patrick Cudahy, the time is now.
Product: French Frauds
Company: Pillsbury
Years: 1968-?
Image by Gregg Koenig
Here's an interesting one that I can't find much info on. In the late 60's, Pillsbury made a snack called French Frauds, a baked snack made to look like french fries and onion rings. I don't imagine they were around long, as there doesn't seem to be much of a record of them, other then a few packages that have survived and a few ads in newspapers introducing them. There were 2 varieties: French Fries and Onion Rings.
As the package says, "Give French Frauds as Tips to Doormen, waiters, and hatcheck girls. They'll really appreciate getting something besides money for a change and they'll always remember what a sport you are."
Also, "What can you do with French Frauds - Hold a contest to see who can make the most noise while eating French Frauds. Award 10 points for crunches, 5 points for munches, and disqualify anyone who rustles the package."
And my personal favorite, "Serve Beef Stroganoff and tossed salad for appetizers, then serve French Frauds and water as the main course. Conversation is sure to be lively at dinner with this idea."
I think I'm starting to see why French Frauds failed to catch on.
Because people who ate them were assholes. Give them as a tip? Serve them to your guests as a meal? What kind of a cruel bastard would do this stuff?
But they did have one thing going for them: Some pretty cool artwork. Here are a couple unused designs from the Onion Ringers package:
