The Unexpected (and Unnecessary?) Return of Crystal Pepsi

Great, now that Van Halen song is going to be stuck in my head again.


Pepsi announced yesterday that starting August 8th in the US (and July 7th in Canada) retailers nationwide will start carrying 20 OZ bottles of Crystal Pepsi for a limited time.
Last year, Pepsi gave away a very limited amount of this clear failed soda from the early 90's as a giveaway, but this will be the first time in over 20 years you will see it on the shelves. It will only be available for 8 weeks, so stock up before it goes away forever.
Again.
Or until Pepsi wants to make another cash grab like this.

Because really, it's all this is. Pepsi is cashing in the success of all the retro products that have found new life recently. Ecto Cooler......Hostess Suzi-Q's.....even the awesome 80's candy Bonkers is poised to make a return.

But the limited release is nothing but a cash register sound to resellers/scalpers, who will buy up all the stock and resell it online for huge profit. Heck, I saw cases of the recently re-released Ecto Cooler selling for staggering amounts on eBay, and I fear that unless Pepsi really makes sure the Crystal Pepsi is available in large quantities throughout the nation, we will see a similar thing happen. Which sucks.

Well, it sucks for people who actually liked this stuff.
I wasn't a fan in the early 90's, but I'd give it another chance. In the name of science•.


*I was just contacted by science, and it told me to leave it's name out of it.

From the Beverage Aisle: Aspen Soda

Product: Aspen Soda
Company: PepsiCo
Years: 1978-1982

Alert Reader Alert! (Wait, huh?) Loyal reader and all around standup guy, Mike Henry, recently sent me an email about a product we currently don't have in stock. That product was one that I hadn't heard of, which in a way, made me feel kind of sad. I like to think I know everything, based solely on my own observations of myself and what my mom tells me, and with two simple words, Mike brought me crashing down to earth.

Those 2 words were: Aspen Soda.

Wait, Whats this now? What in tarnation is Aspen soda? Are you making it up???

BUT I KNOW EVERYTHING!

Mild depression set in for a few days upon realization that I don't know everything. I spent an entire week on the internets, learning about all the things that I didn't know, including but not limited too: Wombats (real), trigonometry (was pretty sure the teacher was making it up as he went along), and now, Aspen Soda.

Aspen soda was an "Crisp and clear" apple flavored soda created by PepsiCo in the late 70's. It was meant to compete with all the lemon lime sodas on the market, which there were many of. For some reason, though, there wasn't an apple flavored soda, and PepsiCo stuck a bunch of money trying to fill this void.

Turns out the reason was that apple soda really wasn't that good. I mean, it wasn't BAD, or anything.....it just isn't something people really want a whole lot of. In the early 80's, Pepsi decided to rebrand this soda as Slice (another failed soda, for the same reason).

Then, Apple soda went away all together, like the wombats did.

(Correction, wombats are still around.)

Here's the Aspen commercial.

I can't believe this is a real thing. I die a little inside every time I watch this.

From the Snack Aisle: Chester's Cheese Doritos

Product: Chester's Cheese Doritos
Company: Frito Lay (Pepsico)
Years: 1995

At some point in our lives we all need to make hard decisions. Go to college or travel the world. Buy a SUV or buy a minivan. Eat that meatball you found under the couch or not eat that meatball you found under the couch. We make them every day. But the good people at Frito Lay (and I am not saying that to get free samples, Frito Lay......though you do have beautiful eyes. You know that, right? (That is for the free samples)) took it upon themselves back in 1995 to say "Why Choose, bitches? You want Doritos, but at the same time, you also want some delicious cheesy Cheetos. You are high as a goddamn kite, and we're not one to judge you, so lets take the choice out of the equation....and make......CHEETO FLAVORED DORITOS! BOOM!"

Well, as great of an idea as it was, I have to say I certainly don't remember them. And I was in college at that time, so I was, well, lets just say I was their target demographic. (There's a time and a place for everything kids, and that time and place is called College). After scouring the interwebs trying to find a picture of the package, all I could find is this article about them testing this product. Most everyone who tried them loved them, though some said they were too cheesy. And then there is Bill (the single guy). His objection to this product? "Just who is this Chester Cheese guy? Is he really that famous? Why couldn't they just call these cheese flavored Doritos? And what does a cheetah have to do with cheese or tortilla chips?

Well Bill, the reason you are still single is because you ask too many questions.
And Chester Cheese Doritos, the reason you are still not available in stores is because people like to make hard decisions. You either want a Coke or you want a 7up, you don't want a Coke flavored 7up.
And the same goes with your chips.

Oh, and because they are (according to the taste test) way too cheesy, but in a good way?

I kind of wish these were still around, if for no other reason to see what other kinds of mutated Island of Doctor Moreau style chip inventions they would come up with. 
Funyun flavored Fritos?
Dorito flavored Pretzels?
The world will never know.

From the Beverage Aisle: Crystal Pepsi

Product: Crystal Pepsi
Company: PepsiCo
Years: 1992-1993

Marketed as a "Caffeine Free alternative to Normal colas", Crystal Pepsi stormed the market in the early 90's with Mega-Rock Star status. It was hyped for weeks before it's release, with it's world premier commercials shown during Super Bowl XXVII (that's 27 for you non-Romans out there). Unfortunately, it turned out to be just another one hit wonder in the era of Fad Foods. It was the soda that everyone had to have........once.
I tried it, and though it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good enough to try again either. I sort of had one of those mind/mouth reflexes where your brain thinks it knows the taste before you taste it, then you taste it and your mouth says to your brain "How about that, bitch? Not what you thought it was going to taste like at all, is it?", which for me, usually sends my brain into shut-down mode so it can regroup itself from the mouths insults. I believe I was in a coma for 6 days after trying Crystal Pepsi.

I'm pretty sure that people who remember Crystal Pepsi had a similar experience (Only trying it once, that is, not the whole week long coma thing....), which is why sales for CP (Crystal Pepsi, not Cerebral palsy) were way up, for exactly one year. After everyone tried it and never bought it again, sales plunged and they pulled the plug. Crystal Pepsi was dead. They should have seen this coming....I mean, it seemed pretty "Clear" to me. HA! see what I did there?

2 Little known facts (ok, little known facts to me):
- After the success of Crystal Pepsi, Pepsico actually had Crystal Tab on the market for a short time. I don't remember seeing this at all.
- Pepsi returned several months later with a reformulated citrus drink titled "Crystal From Pepsi", which was even more short lived then Crystal Pepsi

And the worst part of all was it forever chained everyones memory of Crystal Pepsi with this Van Halen song, which I'm pretty sure is the reason you never hear it anymore: